Swimming Tips for young Ladies

A young lady was swimming at a swimming pool and was having a great time burning calories and keeping fit.

To her horror, she found that her swimsuit had torn open at the bottom leaving her lady bits exposed.

Using her hands to cover up her modesty, she stealthily exited the pool by the side and grabbed a nearby sign to cover up.

This somehow got her more attention, and she looked down at the sign.

*"Depth 1.8metres"*

Slightly embarrassed, she got rid of that sign and quickly grabbed another.

More stares came her way...the sign read:

*"Men's entrance"*

She could feel her face getting redder by the moment, threw away the sign and grabbed the last one she could grab.

Practically everyone was looking at her now, if not for the spectacle she was causing, but also for what was now on that sign.

*"Repairs ongoing, please enter by the back”*😆😆😆😆

What to say at the Pearly Gates

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered.

“On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen.” 

“So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.”

I yelled, “Now, back off or I’ll kick the shit out of all of you!”

Saint Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“A couple of minutes ago.”

how a Stimulus package works

It is a slow day in the small Saskatchewan town of Pumphandle, and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves. No one produced anything. No one earned anything...

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a Stimulus package works.

A town in Debt needs support

It is a slow day in the small Saskatchewan town of Pumphandle, and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves. No one produced anything. No one earned anything...

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a Stimulus package works.

Do you know who you are ?

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. 

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

Funny signs

Signboard outside Heaven:

"Lying naked with somebody in bed and screaming Oh God...Oh God.... will not be considered as prayers"

Signboard outside a Prayer Hall:

" Please Do Not Leave Your Bags, Wallets, Cell Phones Unattended.. Others Might Think Those Are The Answers To Their Prayers."

Signboard outside a prostitute's house..

" Married MEN are not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy.."

Signboard outside A Bar:

" Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance "

Signboard outside Driving School:

" If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way....."

Signboard outside Library:

"Statutory Warning... While reading Kamasutra, please hold the book with BOTH Hands.."

The Rich Friend

I went to see a friend from a very rich family. The maid approached me and asked.

MAID:      What would u like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?
ME:       Tea pls.
MAID:    Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea?
ME:     Ceylon Tea pls.
MAID:      How do U want it, black or white?
ME:    White....
MAID:     Milk or fresh cream?
ME:     With milk.
MAID:   Goat milk or cow milk?
ME:     Cow’s milk.
MAID: Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?
ME:    Uhm, lemme go with d freezeland cow.
MAID:     Would U like it with sweetner, sugar or honey?
ME:      Sugar.
MAID:     Bee sugar or cane sugar?
ME:     Cane sugar
MAID:    White, brown or yellow sugar?
ME:     Aiyo! forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water...
MAID:  Mineral, tap or distilled water?
ME:     Mineral water.
MAID:  Flavored or non flavored?
ME:     Infact, get me an empty glass!
MAID:     Do you want a tumbler, wine glass, champagne flute or a beer mug?
ME:   Free me, I will  swallow my spit..."

The Thai Massage

Sam, who during a vacation to Thailand, ordered a massage session in his room. One for his wife and one for himself.

After massaging Sam for a while, the Thai girl said, "Massage penis".

Sam felt awkward, but kept quiet, looking shiftily at his wife.

The Thai masseuse again said, "Massage penis."

There was silence, yet again ...

Finally, his wife spoke... 

"Don't raise your hopes, ... She's telling you "Massage finish!"

Missing Wife

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Color of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Jeep.

Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.