A Funny Ghost Story !

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford , a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night.. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.... 'Look Paddy......there's that freaking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

Anger Management Tips - Funny !

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying ‘Hello.’ I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’


Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear


Get the right f***ing number!’ and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.When I tracked down Robyn ‘s correct number to call her, and after hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an asshole!’and hung up.


I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.


Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an asshole!’It always cheered me up.


When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop.


So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company, I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our mobile Caller ID Program?’


He yelled ‘NO!’and slammed down the phone.


I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an asshole!’ and hung up.

AND THEN

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.


I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a ‘For Sale ‘ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.


A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.


I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’


He said, ‘Yes, it is.’


I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’


He said as sweetly as he could,’Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It’s a yellow ranch style house and the car’s parked right out in front.’


I asked, ‘What’s your name?’ He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen,’
I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’ He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’


I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’ He said, ‘Yes, of course you can?’


I said, ‘Don, you’re an asshole!’ Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.


Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea…


I called asshole #1.He said,’Hello.’ I said, ‘You’re an asshole!’ (But I didn’t hang up.)


He asked, ‘Are you still there?’


I said, ‘Yeah!’


He screamed, ‘Stop calling me’.


I said, ‘Make me,’


He asked,’Who are you?’


I said,’My name is Don Hansen.’


He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’


I said, ‘Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.’


He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.’


I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,’ and hung up.


Then I called Asshole #2.


He said, ‘Hello?’


I said, ‘Hello, asshole,’


He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’


I said,’You’ll what?’


He exclaimed,’I'll kick your ass,’


I answered,’Well, asshole, here’s your chance.I’m coming over right now.’


Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.


NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

Funny Weird Questions that has no Answeres

These definitly are Questions without answeres or the ones where you have to think more than twice prior to answering.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?


Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?


Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?


What is the speed of darkness?


Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?


If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?


Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?



Did you ever stop and wonder........

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'


Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'


Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?


Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?


Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !


If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
(Stop singing and read on......)


Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Another Irish Joke !

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.


Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'


They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'


Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.


Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'


'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..


'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

Obama Joke - Ship Captain needing Change !

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors , and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad..

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.


The first mate responded , "Aye , aye sir , I'll see to it immediately!"


The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced , "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."


He continued , "Pittman , you change with Jones , McCarthy , you change with Witkowski , and Brown , you change with Schultz."


THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.

List of rules for Women when Men Watch Sports !

Extremely important advice and recommendations to be passed on to wives, girlfriends, fiancées, mothers, sisters, daughters, etc. (to all women in General)



These rules are to be communicated prior to the World Cup in September/October this year...


DEAR WOMEN


List of Rules (Read and print them)


1. From 9 Sep to October 2011, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.


2.. During the World Cup, the television is mine, the VCR and DVD are all mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).


3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won't have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it won't happen.


5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12pm and 3pm, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.


6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it's only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about rugby than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a break up or divorce.


7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during half time but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half time score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".


8. The replays of the tries are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times, and record them.


9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:


a) I will not go,


b) I will not go, and


c) I will not go.


10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.


11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch??", the reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".


12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank goodness the World Cup is only every 4 years".


I am immune to these words, because after this comes the 20 Twenty World Cup, etc etc.


Thank you for your cooperation,

A collection of funny Photographs and Sayings !

This post is about funny angelina jolie picture and on how to make one of the most beautiful women on earth turn damn ugly


How a stupid body builder gets his grandma to take is picture

Making fun out of a innocent fat boy in a school class room

a news reader who truned out to be a whore just because of a silly spelling mistake
and a rock star looking church minister who preaches how to become a rock star and who to do drugs - trust me drugs would kill you but rock stars do take drugs and die young - wondefully stupid bastards !

Cheating Wife Funnies

A Man get's a MMS message from his Freind with the following picture and text saying - "I am at your house. Having Loads of Fun. You should come here soon"

The Man is disgusted and angered about his wife's actions. He returns home immediately after work. Starts beating the wife.

The Wife askes "What have I done to deserve this?"

He shows the Picture to the Wife stating "I know what you were up to"

The Wife calmly zooms out the photograph and he sees this....

Then, She slaps the Husband and says "You Missed your Son's Birthday you misserable Squeek"

London Olympics 2012 - The Funny Side

We got a rare opportunity to capture the British practicing for the London lympics in 2012 over the past few weeks. While the London olympic Mascots Wenlock and Mandeville (for Paralympics) looked ridiculous, the events included the Shotput, athletics, swimming and many more events.

Let's see the enthusiastic Londoners or basically Britishers practice for their Olympics. i am not sure how many of them will get selected to the 2012 English Olympic team though......

See them in action at the Olympic Games by clicking here !!!

Judo Indeed will be a good Gold medal hope for the English

though i have my doubts about the Weight lifting Category - I would say Not enough weight !! 

Nevermind the Shot, the Put looks as small as an English dick !! 

I wouldn't mind catching a diving British Whore !!

The British indeed know how to create Hurdles than Jump over them.

I would seriosuly like to see this guy at the Olympics of London 2012

Post during Olympics - 31st July 2012

See them in action at the Olympic Games by clicking here !!!

Funny How Things Change as I grow Up !

When I was a KID:

Sex meant GENDER,


Pussy meant CAT,

Cock meant ROOSTER,


Chick meant YOUNG BIRD,

 Bitch was a FEMALE DOG,


Dick was a NAME,

 BJ was a NICK-NAME,


Bang was a SOUND,

 Rubber was just like PLASTIC,


Ass was an ANIMAL,

 

Screw was just a NUT,

69 was just a number

 

Tit was a SNACK,

but things are complicated these days!!!"

Doctor Patient Joke Cockeyed !

A young woman visited her eye doctor complaining of failing eyesight. The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart.

Doctor: "Can you read the bottom line?"

Girl: "No."

"Can you read the center line?"

"No."

"Can you read the large top line?"

"No. "

"Can you even see the chart?"

"No."

The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his penis out of his pants. "Can you see this?"

"Of course!"

"Well, there's your problem - you're cock-eyed!"

Funny King Arthur Story !

This is quite interesting and very funny ...... And so true!!! Take time off to read till the end ....






(To women) Please take time to ponder.....


(To men) Just enjoy the story......

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom.. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.


The question was: What do women really want?


Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man. And to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.


The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but first he would have to agree to her price. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble o f the Knights of the Round Table, and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden.


But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life. And the reservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered.


Arthur's question thus: 'What a woman really wants?'


She said, 'A woman wants to be in charge of her own life.'


Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth, and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was.


The neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom. And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour app roached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen was sitting by the bed.


The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth become her horrible and deformed self only half the time, and be the beautiful maiden the other half.


'Which would you prefer?' She asked him. 'Beautiful during the day.... or at night?'


Lancelot pondered the predicament.


During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch!


Or,


would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day?


But by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous moments with?


(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?


(If you are a woman reading this...) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be?


And Lancelot's choice is given below...


BUT... please make YOUR choice first before you scroll down below... OKAY?


Knowing the answer the witch gave to Arthur for his question, Sir Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.


Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time.. Because, he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.


Now... what is the moral to this story? (This is the funny Part)


The moral is...


1) There is 'witch' in every woman, no matter how beautiful she is !


2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly !


So, be careful how you treat a woman and always remember IT IS EITHER ' HER WAY ' OR IT IS ' NO WAY '

Funny English Cricketers !!

Just love English cricket!








The thinnest guy on the team is called Broad,

The ugliest - Swann,

The guy that fields behind is called Prior,

The guy whose father is John is called Peterson,

The guy whose father is Luke is called Anderson,

The slowest fielder is Trott; and then they got one right--

The dumbest guy is called Bell.

Most importantly, Half the Guys are Either South African or Irish
God Save the Queen !!!
That's English!!


Think About It.

Sales Lady Playing Golf !

JUST for LAUGH




A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you please tell me what hole I'm on."

She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."

Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.

"I am in sales," she said.

He replied, "No kidding; so am I ! "What do you sell?"

She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.

She said, "I sell sanitary napkins."

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I am still one Hole behind you!."

Best of husband and wife Jokes !

01.Husband: I divorced my wife on the first night.


Friend: Why?

Husband: I saw the label on her panty, "Tested OK by Calvin Klien."



02. Husband: Ya, my wife is very scared of water!

Friend: How did you know?

Husband: When I got home twice, I saw her having a bath with the security guard.


03.The nurse was taking a blood sample from the Husband. She held his finger and squeezed it for blood. So Husband laughed and Wife was all upset.

Nurse: Why did you laugh?

Husband: Because it's the urine test next!


04. Husband & wife were having dinner together.

Wife: Darling, tell me something that would make me both happy & sad.

Husband: Your nipples R better than your sister's!


05. On the first night of the marriage the husband gives the wife Rs.5000/= and says

"I have never done this for free". The

wife returns Rs.2000/= and says

"I have not charged more than this before!".

Funny Sayings, Proverbs and Profound Statements !

Wisdom in Profound Truths.....!




Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.


Good friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.


Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.



Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only screwing yourself.



Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of society; but always remember who laid them!!!


Money is just like an arse .. everybody has it, but ... nobody wants to give it !!!


Men play the game. Women know the score.


Wives are funny creatures .... Wives don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.!?!?


This is the most profound statement !


Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you have the same sperm that won a battle against a millions of others.


The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.


Here is the definition of divorce ... She gets the ring and the man gets the finger!!!


Mahatma Gandhi says..........'man who puts his hand in the bush is not always a gardener!!!'.

Funny Grandma's Letter to Grand Daughter - Hawaiian Good Luck Sign

 Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' - 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love !

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Will write again soon.

Love, Grandma

Honorable Men !

OK here is a Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)

If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it!

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, an angel appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The angel went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the angel asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The angel again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the angel asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The angel went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the angel asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The angel was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the angel again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh angel, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The angel went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE

"Is this your wife?" the angel asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The angel was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my angle. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE, You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Angel, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

Another funny GOD joke !

GOD speaks out :- "I want the men to form two queues. One queue for men who had control over their women and the other one for the men who were controlled by their women.

Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk.

God returns, the women are gone, and there are two queues.

The queue for men who were controlled by their women is 10 miles long, and in the queue for men who had control over their women there is only one man.

God is flabbergasted and says, " All you men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all controlled by your women. Only one of my sons stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"

"Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this queue?"

The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.”

Don't step on the ducks in heaven !

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven - Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them,  the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but, one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, But I stepped on a Duck !!!!!!!!!!

Irony of Men - How god created Man to live long.

On the first day, God created the dog and said:


'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Funny Office Documentation

See How people write leave Applications. It's murder of English language. But Too Funny. Just Read It. The Leave Applications.................



"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

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"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

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"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

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"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

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"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

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"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

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"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

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"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

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• Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

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"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

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"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

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Letter writing:- "I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

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A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post. "

Maria the Latino Servant !

Maria - A Sexy Latino Servant in a Posh American neigbourhood asked for a pay increase from the rich Housewife who has employed her.


The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked:

'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Mam, there are THREE REASONS why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband say so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'


Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.



Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.

Wife: (really furious now) 'Ah! Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Mam... Your driver says'.

Wife: 'Ok Ok, So how much do you want?

Funny Love Letter from a Computer Programer !

Ultimate Love Letter by a Computer Programer !!!

Sweetheart ,I`ve seen you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time I`ve been lonely; this has been the bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now.

My life is an uncompiled program without you, which never produces an executable code and hence is useless. You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well.Your smile is so delightful. It encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.

When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules are running smoothly and giving expected results. /*which I never experienced before.*/ With this letter, I just want to convey to you that if we are linked together, I¡¯ll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life.

Also don`t bother about the firewall which may be created by our parents as I¡¯ve strong hacking capabilities by which I`ll ultimately break their security passwords and make them agree for our marriage. I anticipate that nobody has already logged in to your database so that my connect script will fail. And its all but certain that if this happened to me, my system will crash beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox. Error free...

Regards,
Software Programmer
Today This company - Tomorrow That Company - But always want ur company!


Error! Filename not specified.

More Husband and Wife Funny Jokes !!

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?

The mafia wants either ur money or life...

The wives want both!


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Marriage is like a public toilet.

Those waiting outside are desperate to get in &

Those inside are desperate to come out.

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No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life.

(1) Mobile

(2) Automobile

(3) TV

(4) Wife

Because there is always a better model in neighborhood.

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Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?`

Google search result, `Good day sir, Even we are searching`.

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Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

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Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years. Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!

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Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.

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A friend recently explained why he refuses to get married. He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.

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It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most; and when a man does that... the slide show begins.

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It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country, but just One woman to make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid!

The Boy Who is too Smart to be in the 1st Garde !

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Trevor, what's your problem?'

Trevor answered,'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Trevor to the principal's office.

While Trevor waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Trevor was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Trevor : '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Trevor : '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Trevor can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Trevor both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Trevor, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Trevor replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms.Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Trevor : 'Pants.'

Ms.Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Trevor: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Trevor replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Trevor : 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.
Ms.Brooks:'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Trevor : 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

'Put Trevor in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......'