Newtons forgotten Laws !!

Ten Laws Newton Forgot To State.

1. LAW OF QUEUE

If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

2. LAW OF TELEPHONE

When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

 3. LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR

After your hands become coated with
Grease, your nose will begin to itch.

4. LAW OF THE WORKSHOP

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

5. LAW OF THE ALIBI

 

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. BATH THEOREM 

When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

7. LAW OF ENCOUNTERS

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen
With.

8. LAW OF THE RESULT

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

9. LAW OF BIOMECHANICS

The severity of the itch is inversely
Proportional to the reach.

10. LAW OF COFFEE

As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee,your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

How can Newton the greatest inventor of our times be left behind.

NEWTON STRIKES BACK WITH LAW NO 11.

THE LAW OF MOTION.

LOOSE MOTION CANNOT BE DONE IN SLOW MOTION!!!

The funny Arrest !!

Math teacher arrested at JFK airport is suspected of belonging to secret terror society  !!!


A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a “slide-rule” and a calculator.


At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-Gebra is a problem for us,” the Attorney General said. “Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns,’ but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.”


As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.'” When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.”


White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

To Be 8 again !

I was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching my wife, Vicky who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not  far off I asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, I arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! I put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later we staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. I then took her to a McDonald's and ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!


Finally she wobbled home and collapsed into bed exhausted.


I leaned over my wife & with a big smile lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
  
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you FUCKING idiot!!!!'


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Wives Love their Husbands !

A group of women were at a seminar on “How to live in a loving relationship with your husband”. 

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

"When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
 
Some women answered today, a few yesterday and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text
message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies:
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Are you sick or what?
3. Love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Have you crashed the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the f**k did you do now?
7. You're kidding me?
8. Don't bullshit me. How much do you need.
9. Are you for real?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is really for, someone will pay!
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother’s coming to stay with us, isn't she?

PROSTATE PROBLEMS!!!

NO WONDER SO MANY OLDER GUYS RECKON THEY HAVE
PROSTATE PROBLEMS!!!

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
 
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,  '99'.

The old guy obeys and says, "99".
 

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
 

Again, the old guy says, ''99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
 

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis  to keep it out of the way. 

Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins,
"One....
  two…
  three…"

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing!

Americans Girls should Marry fellow Americans !

Women - Avoid Girls Nightouts !

Why women should avoid girls' night out once they are married !!


"The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home bymidnight, 'I promise!' 

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a..m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. 

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoosMIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. 

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Doctors are Jokers !

Following are some of the actual sentences found in doctors notes. Enjoy !

20 Things to Stare At

1) When someone says "Have a nice day!" stare at them and say, "Don't tell me what to do!"
2) Look up and stare at nothing... then see how many people try to see what you are staring at.
3) Stare at someone and see how long it takes them to notice you.
4) Stare at someone till they awkwardly look away.
5) Point and stare at the ceiling and see how many people look up.
6) See how long you can stare at someone without them knowing.
7) Stare at the person beside you until they notice.
8) Stare at somebody until they leave the room.
9) Stare at someone's chin until they wonder what is on their face.
10) Stare at everyone you see and when they look at you say "what are you looking at?".

11) Stare at someone until they notice and begin to freak.
12) Stare at something in the sky and say "wow look at that!" and watch everyone try to see what you see.
13) Stare at a random person making the weirdest face you can possibly think of.
14) While in the car, stare at the person in the car next to you. When they look back, lick the window.
15) Wear a snorkel while driving and stare at the people sitting next to you at traffic lights.
16) When in an elevator with only one other person,stare at them and breathe heavily.
17) When talking to a person stare at their forehead until they start freaking out.

18) Go to Walmart and hide in the freezers and just stare at people when they pass.
19) Stare at a random person for a few minutes, then grin and say, "I'm wearing new socks today."
20) Point and stare at the sky. "Never seen that before." And see how many people look!

Tips to Calm down your Husband !

I HEAR THIS IS A VERY GOOD CURE: MOST OF YOU WOULDN'T KNOW .

A woman went to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asked: "What's the problem?" ...

The woman said: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." 

The Doctor replied: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down." 

Two weeks later the woman came back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. 

She told him: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" 

The Doctor smiled: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

How to Pick a Hooker !

Stacy is a lazy sexy blond who went to her friend Jones, a fellow blond and asked how she could make a easy living. Jones was a hooker who enjoyed her job and the money she gets.  So they decide that best job for Stacy was to become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Jones says, 'Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.'

She's out there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, 'How much?'

She says, 'A hundred dollars'.
He says, 'Shit. All I've got is thirty'.
She says, 'Hold on.'

She runs back to Jones and says, 'What can he get for thirty dollars?' Jones says, 'A hand job'.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.
He says, 'Okay'.

She gets in the car; he unzips his pants and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, 'I'll be right back.'

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, 'Jones, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?'

Special Guitar For Ladies !

Be it Rock, Pop, Rap or any other Genre of Music, in the forefront is the Guitar as one of the most valuable instruments.... But, then again, Why that shape and how would the ones from the fairer sex play it?? Most importantly for those who wish to be in rock bands and show off their curves !!!

Justin Bieber injured cliff diving ?

Well, sad that it is the ear drums he busted and not his Ass.. Well then again, his ass was busted many times so WTF ?

Well, it is something similar to the following story !!

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....


"Ed, wake up! You're shitting on the bed!"

Getting OLD just isn't what they said it would be!

High School Fun !

Actual analogies used by High school students in English Essays. This is really funny and hats off to the stupidity or creativity of the kids.

Funny Question Paper Answers

The following questions were in last year's GED examination
(These are genuine answers).

Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed.
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.


Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs .
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A.. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A.. Keep it in the cow.
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.� The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (WTF)

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.�
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

They now live amongst us, I guess.
Cheers........................................

Santa Banta Joke !

Banta Singh walks into a bar in London , orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

Banta Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai , the other in Canada and I'm here in London . When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
Banta Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the same way. He'd order 3 Beers and drink them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2 Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar tender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss."

Banta Singh looked confused for a moment, and then he laughs.... "Oh, no," He said, "Everyone's fine; both my brothers are alive. The only thing is ......

I have quit drinking"!!!!

The funny Foot Ball Team from England !

Why I want a Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me...

Boss and Secretary

Boss hired a sexy secretary.
 

10 days later he committed suicide by jumping from his 27th floor office.


Police: Who was there at that time in the room?

Secretary: I was there.

Police: What happened? Why did he commit suicide?

Secretary: He was a good man. One day he bought me a fur coat for $ 20000 then he bought me a diamond necklace for $150000 then he bought me a diamond ring for $50000.
Today he asked me to spend the night with him. I told him I charge just $100 a night....and he just went to the window and jumped !

Moral:
Investments are subject to market risk.Check the market before you invest/indulge.

Lawyer Eats Grass?

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" 

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

 "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me !"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

 
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high"

Cricket Joke for Cricketing Nations !

Thanks to my Indian Buddies for the joke !!

I was watching IPL match with my wife on the TV together. After five minutes:

Wife: Is that Bret Lee

Me : No. He is Chris Gayle. Bret Lee is the bowler.

Wife: Bret Lee is smart. He should be in the movies like his brother.

Me: He does not have an actor brother

Wife: What about Bruce Lee

Me: No no, Bret Lee is an Australian

Wife: OK. Look. Another wicket in just two minutes.

Me: No. It is called action replay.

Wife: Looks like India is going to win this one.

Me: It is not India. It is Bangalore vs Kolkatta

Wife: Why is the umpire calling for a helicopter.

Me: He is not calling for a helicopter. It’s a free hit.

Wife: Did the spectators not pay for the tickets? Why is it a ‘ free’ hit?

Wife: Now whom is he saying ‘HI’ to?

Me : He is signalling a ‘Bye’.

Wife: Why is he saying ‘Bye’. Is the game over?

Wife: How many runs to win?

Me : 72 in 36 balls

Wife: Ah. That is easy. Just 2 runs in 1 ball

I Just turned off the TV .

Wife turns it on and watches ‘Balika Badhu’

Me: Who is this Anandi?

Wife: Tumhari Maa. Don’t you dare disturb me!!

My Wife !

We had a power outage at our house this morning....

My PC, laptop, TV, DVD, i Pad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.
 

She seems like a nice person..