Italian Mafia and Godfather !

                                               
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he
would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what
you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol,
puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win!
The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed
at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

Husband, Wife, Jesus and Mary !

Wife: "What are your plans for Easter?"

Husband: "Same as Jesus.."

Wife: "What do you mean ??"

Husband: "I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!"

Wife: "That's AWESOME. if you do that, I'll do like Mary."

Husband: "What do u mean ?"

Wife: "I will show up pregnant, yet untouched by my husband."

Woman on Fire - Hot !

You wont believe what i witnessed a few hours back.....

I was at the petrol station and I see 2 cops looking at this woman who was smoking whilst putting petrol in her car (derrr) ... wth! !!

Then i hear somebody screaming, I look & that woman's arm was on freaking fire..... She was waving her arm around and freaking out yelling ! 

Next thing I see the cops had her on the ground & were putting the fire out with an extinguisher.

Then they started to put hand cuffs on her & were about to put her in the police car.

I was like WTF..., and of course me being a nosy bugger, I went up to the cops and asked what they were arresting her for.....

because obviously her arm being on fire wasn't enough....the cop looked at me all cocky and said ..

'waving a firearm' .... gotcha.... hahahahahaha.

Father, Mother and Son Affair

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love& want to date this awesome girl!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".
Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you
must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father : "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother
crying.

Son : "Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your
Father."!!!

Son Fainted...!!!

The Cat and Mouse Saga !

A cat and a mouse dies, goes to heaven.

God to mouse - How do you like heaven? 

Mouse - Heaven is beautiful and so much bigger than I imagined. I would like some roller skates to get around.

God - granted !

God to cat - How do you like heaven?

Cat - I always knew heaven is an amazing place. But now that I am here, I can see it is even better than I imagined. I saw meals on wheels!

The Wonderful Wives as described by their Husbands !

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. 
 ~By Lee Majors 


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. 
 ~By Al Gore 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
 ~By Socrates 

Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them. 
 ~By Mike Tyson 

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? 
 ~By George Clooney 

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. 
 ~By Bill Clinton 

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays." 
 ~By George W. Bush 

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." 
 ~By Rudy Giuliani 

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." 
 ~By Michael Jordan 

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children! 
 ~By Donald Trump 

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 
 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 
 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. 
 ~By Shaquille O’Neal

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
 ~By Kobe Bryant 

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. 
 ~By David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. 
 ~By Alec Baldwin 

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. 
 ~By Barack Obama 

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. 
 ~By Tommy Lee 

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. 
 They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." 
 ~By Brad Pitt

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" 
 Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive." 
 ~ By Jimmy Kimmel

“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!” 
~By David Letterman 

“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes SuffeRing! 
 ~By Jay Leno 

"The reason why wives live longer is because they don't have a Wife"
 ~By Brandon Breezy