Smart Boss or Dumb Secretary ?

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A boss said to his secretary "I want to have SEX with U. I will make it very FAST. I'll throw $1,000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be DONE."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. 

Her boyfriend then said 2 her, do it but "Ask him for $2,000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." 

So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" 

She responds,"The Bastard used COINS, I'm still PICKING and he is still fucking!!!

Boyfriend fainted..

When Pilots Go Nuts

Please do share with your friends - straight off an FB feed cause it's too funny not to share on a funny blog.

Husband and Wife Goes Jogging

Early morning husband wakes up and asks his wife: "Would you like to join me for jogging?"

Wife: "Ohh.....! So you mean to say I am fat?"

Hubby: "No. Jogging is good for health."

Wife: "Oh.. that means I am sick."

Hubby: "No No. If you don't want to get up, then it's OK."

Wife: "So now you think I am lazy, ha?"

Hubby: "NO. You are misunderstanding me. I didn't mean..."

Wife: "Aha! So I don't understand you because I'm an illiterate, right?"

Hubby: "Now look I didn't say that."

Wife: "So am I lying? "

Hubby: "I beg you plz don't stretch it in the morning."

Wife: "Oh, now so I am a quarrelsome nag, am I?

HUBBY: "OK OK.. You go off to sleep. I am going jogging alone.. Happy Now??"

Wife: "You always go alone everywhere and enjoy yourself."

Hubby: "Plz Plz.. I am feeling giddy now.."

Wife: "See? You are so selfish. Always think of yourself alone. You never think of my health."

Husband is sitting and thinking where he went wrong!!!

Mental Asylum

Rod and Kate were both patients in a mental hospital..

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Rod suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Kate promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Kate's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Kate the news she said: 'Kate, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is that Rod hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Kate replied (you'll love this) .
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'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry'

Head Nurse still recovering!!!
😂😂😂

The Arab, Cab Driver and Camel

A devout Arab Muslim got into a cab in London. She curtly asked the 'cab driver' to turn off the radio because her religious doctrine forbade her listening to music.

The Cab driver politely asked why.

His passenger replied that in the time of the Holy Prophet there was no music, especially Western music, which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door for his passenger to disembark.

The Arab Muslim was surprised and asked him: "What are you doing???"

The Cab driver answered:

"In the time of the Holy Prophet, there were no taxis, no bombs, no plane hijacks, no west invented loud speakers in mosques that woke up newly born, the elderly and the sick at unearthly hours, no suicide attacks, no RDX, no AK 47; only 'PEACE' everywhere.

So shut up, get Out and wait for a camel.

The Woodcutter and his Axe. A Modern Story

If you are female & reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if male, then feel proud after reading it - most important share it with your friends... 

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared & asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water & he needed it to make a living.

The Lord went down into the water & reappeared with a Golden Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied: "No."

The Lord again went down & came up with a Silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied: "No."

The Lord went down again & came up with an Iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied: "Yes." 

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty & gave him all 3 Axes to keep, & the woodcutter went home happy. 

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, & his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared & asked him: "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water & came up with Deepika Padukone.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'NO' to  Deepika padukone , you would have come up with KATRINA. Then if I said 'NO' to her, you would have come up with MY WIFE. Had I then said 'YES,' you would have given me all 3.
 Lord, I'm a poor man, & not able to take care of 3 wives, so THAT'S why I said YES to Deepika."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good & honorable reason & for the benefit of others. 

Italian Mafia and Godfather !

                                               
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he
would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what
you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol,
puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win!
The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed
at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

Husband, Wife, Jesus and Mary !

Wife: "What are your plans for Easter?"

Husband: "Same as Jesus.."

Wife: "What do you mean ??"

Husband: "I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!"

Wife: "That's AWESOME. if you do that, I'll do like Mary."

Husband: "What do u mean ?"

Wife: "I will show up pregnant, yet untouched by my husband."

Woman on Fire - Hot !

You wont believe what i witnessed a few hours back.....

I was at the petrol station and I see 2 cops looking at this woman who was smoking whilst putting petrol in her car (derrr) ... wth! !!

Then i hear somebody screaming, I look & that woman's arm was on freaking fire..... She was waving her arm around and freaking out yelling ! 

Next thing I see the cops had her on the ground & were putting the fire out with an extinguisher.

Then they started to put hand cuffs on her & were about to put her in the police car.

I was like WTF..., and of course me being a nosy bugger, I went up to the cops and asked what they were arresting her for.....

because obviously her arm being on fire wasn't enough....the cop looked at me all cocky and said ..

'waving a firearm' .... gotcha.... hahahahahaha.

Father, Mother and Son Affair

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love& want to date this awesome girl!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".
Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you
must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father : "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother
crying.

Son : "Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your
Father."!!!

Son Fainted...!!!

The Cat and Mouse Saga !

A cat and a mouse dies, goes to heaven.

God to mouse - How do you like heaven? 

Mouse - Heaven is beautiful and so much bigger than I imagined. I would like some roller skates to get around.

God - granted !

God to cat - How do you like heaven?

Cat - I always knew heaven is an amazing place. But now that I am here, I can see it is even better than I imagined. I saw meals on wheels!

The Wonderful Wives as described by their Husbands !

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. 
 ~By Lee Majors 


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. 
 ~By Al Gore 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
 ~By Socrates 

Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them. 
 ~By Mike Tyson 

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? 
 ~By George Clooney 

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. 
 ~By Bill Clinton 

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays." 
 ~By George W. Bush 

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." 
 ~By Rudy Giuliani 

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." 
 ~By Michael Jordan 

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children! 
 ~By Donald Trump 

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 
 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 
 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. 
 ~By Shaquille O’Neal

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
 ~By Kobe Bryant 

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. 
 ~By David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. 
 ~By Alec Baldwin 

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. 
 ~By Barack Obama 

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. 
 ~By Tommy Lee 

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. 
 They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." 
 ~By Brad Pitt

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" 
 Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive." 
 ~ By Jimmy Kimmel

“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!” 
~By David Letterman 

“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes SuffeRing! 
 ~By Jay Leno 

"The reason why wives live longer is because they don't have a Wife"
 ~By Brandon Breezy

When I got drunk before I drove !!

DRINK DRIVING WARNING !

Please share with your friends 

Last night I was out for a few drinks with the boys in town. One thing lead to another and I had way too many beers topped off with a couple of Jaegerbombs. Not a good idea!!

Knowing I was way over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before...I left my car in town and took a bus home. 

Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalizer tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived back at home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise..

I've never driven a bus before and I'm fucked if I know where I got it from or what I'm gonna do with it !

Life's Kamasutra !

1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!
2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs and lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, pussy... That's origin of "BP"!

3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.

4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

5. What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!

6. 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!

7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.

8. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..!

9. When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".

*Moral: Hard work is never appreciated: Only result matters.