Blonds and Girls and Husbands....

Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you, it's only when you leave her a virgin.


 

Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror is when both are pregnant!
Tragedy is when you are not responsible for both!



Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today, tomorrow you have to do it again.


Wives are funny creatures.
They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.


Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex.
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.

The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting screwed!

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.


What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.


If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana split.


What's the difference between a bomb & a condom?
In a bomb blast, population decreases
BUT in a condom blast, population increases.

A blond walked into a store to buy curtains.

She went up to the salesman and said, "I want those pink curtains to fit my computer screen.

The salesman mentioned, "Computers don't need curtains."

The blond said, "Hellooo !!!!! I have windows!"

Types of Farts !!!!

 

Plain Jane.
One-second duration, nice resonant reverberation, and pungent odor cloud with a nearly instantaneous 5-foot radius. Your standard, everyday, friendly fart.

Beefy One.
Sounds loud and butch, e.g., 'BRAAAMMPPP!' Smells like a cross between a decaying meadow muffin on a hot day and a fresh dog-turd.

Eggy.
Smells very much like rotten eggs (or hydrogen sulfide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster (see below).

Bunbuster.
'BRAAAP!' Sounds something like a Beefy One, except much more sudden and much more powerful. May smell either eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole smarting. You really feel these babies.

Ripper. 
Sends seismic ripples to the next town. Rips the seams in the crotch of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby may experience hearing loss.

Diesel.
Sputters to a start, but then keeps putt-putting along spewing out an endless cloud of dirty, noxious fumes.
Surprise! You didn't even know that it was there, but suddenly . . . 'BRRMP!'

Gunshot.
Sounds just like a gunshot. Unbelievably loud indoors. Hard to believe that this emanates from between your buttocks. Bullet explodes into billions of virulent odor molecules. Gunshot farts are relatively rare but, like guns, very dangerous.

Squeaky.
Puny and unsatisfying. Sounds a bit like a muffled 'Wheeeek,' but smells foul.

Worrier. 
The kind that seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage, matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the first possible opportunity.

Poopie Prelude. 
It feels like it's going to be a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny little squeaker fart plus the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.

Present.
The type of fart that seems harmless, but then brings a small poop as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet and give thanks you weren't in a business meeting or job interview when it happened. If you were, you're screwed.

Burble. 
Bubbly! Sometimes messy too.

SBD (Silent But Deadly).
Totally inaudible but somehow causes all the occupants in a room to collapse. Smell is undefined because nasal investigators haven't had time to analyze the odor before passing out. (This one is also known as SBL: Silent But Lethal and Toxic Assassin.)

GNL (Gambled 'n' Lost).
You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but tragically come to realize that this is much more than a fart... Next big gamble: do you put your underpants in the laundry basket and hope your wife won't notice, do you wash 'em out yourself, or do you throw 'em away?

Hydrated. 
The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. Try to avoid this one if you're wearing white trousers.

Not Now Please! 
You feel the presence of a mighty fart but are unable to release it due to your situation (first date, new customer, important business meeting, etc.). You clench your buttocks together so hard you nearly have a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends upon a number of factors, but in the end you're probably going to have to face the music (literally). Or you can try the stealth approach (see below).

Who, Me? 
You let it out as silently as possible and nobody hears it. You discreetly take deep sniffs and smell nothing. You think you got away with it. But 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everybody starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.

Waker-Upper.
The first fart of the morning. All that broccoli, beans, and beer you had for dinner last night has decayed and fermented into about 1,000 ml of noxious gas just dying to escape from your rectum. Whether you let go under the covers when you first wake up or hold it until you're taking your early morning pee, releasing that first fart of the day feels oh, so good and sets the tone for the whole day.

Electrical. 
Sound like they have some juice in them.

Dutch Oven. 
A fart you make in bed -- any kind at all -- followed up by holding your partner's head under the bedclothes so that he/she can get the full effect of it. Good for moving a stalled divorce process along. Very bad early in your marriage.


______________________________________________________



Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other," Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?" 

Selling Condoms !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 The following diagram illustrates the though process of a Male and a Female before going out partying !

 

 

Now This lady won the mother of the year award 2009 !!

  

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this: 
 
What Makes 100%?
 
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
 
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been
to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
 
How about achieving 103%?
 
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that 
might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% 
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% 

But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% 
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% 
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% 
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit  and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. 

_______________________________________________

Sales lady: Excuse me Sir, this is a non-smoking store.
 
Smoker: But I bought my cigarettes from here.
 
Sales lady: I know.. We sell condoms here and that doesn’t mean you can F#$% us here!

 

The Latest weapons in town !!

 

Click on the pic for a better view of the gal !! - Very Funny !!

 You heard of Kamasuthra Practices of the IT guys ??

  

Mr. Bean is from Out of Space !!

OK - you really need to click on the following pic to read out one of the most hilarious mail chains ever... !!

  

Faceless Cartoons 3

OK - a few more Faceless toons - click on image for the larger / readable version. 

 

  

  

  

  

Judge : "Raj, why were you beaten up in public? what did you do?"


Raj : Sir I am innocent.


Judge : How can you say that?


Raj : "Your honour, I was in crowded bus, my photo fell from wallet,so... I said to lady in front of me, 'Aunty, please lift your Sari, I want to take photo.... then everybody hit me...

Lady and the Vagina !

 

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman, "do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened in the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen. If it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it." She nods yes to her husband, and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have a vagina?"
Yes" she replies.
The man retorts, "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"

Dave in the Strip Club !!

 

Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"

Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.

Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

_________________________________________

And One from the Royal Palace in Buckingham !

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter as the day went on.
That night, she flopped on the bed and said,"Charles,please remove my shoes,my feet are killing me!" He attacked her right shoe with vigour,but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder"."I'm trying, But it's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!"Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!" Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: Once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"

Quickies !!!!

 

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.

 

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Teacher       : Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted              : $10.
Teacher       : You don't know maths.
Ted              : You don't know my father!

 

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Mother        : David , come here.
David           : Yes, mum?
Mother        : You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David           : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother        : I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.

 

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Father      : Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son          : On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father      : So?
Son          : On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?

 

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A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence.. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter   : It's mummy!
Father      : How do you know?
Daughter   : She didn't say anything.

 

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Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love

 

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Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

 

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Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

 

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Teacher     : Simon , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon        : No, teacher, it's the same dog!

 

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Father      : Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son          : That's why I say she's no good!

 

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Teacher: 'Where were u born?'
Student: ' Singapore , Sir.'
Teacher: 'Which part?'
Student: 'All of me, Sir.'

 

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A teacher was asking her class: 'What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?'
Only one hand shot up.
'Ok, answer, Joan' said the teacher.
''unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle.'

 

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Teacher: 'How come you do not comb your hair?'
Ah Kow: 'No comb, Sir.'
Teacher: 'Use your dad's then.'
Ah Kow: 'No hair, Sir.'
 

 

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A boy came home from school with his exam results.
'What did u get?' asked his father.
'My marks are under water,' said the boy.
'What do u mean 'under water'?'
'They are all below 'C' (sea) level'
 

Some British Humour !

Straight from the Doctors of Grate Britain !!

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow


2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'.  I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath


3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked .. . ...' So how was your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.


7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.' 

 

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London

Dr. wouldn't submit his name    
 

More funny'zzz !