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Thursday, February 28, 2013

Spaghetti from Italy !!

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. 

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Condoms, Hotels and Ducks !

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill ?"

"Thit No!"? Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Do Wives Love their Husbands?

 There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, ‘How many of you love your husbands?’

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, ‘When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?’

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember. The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text: "I love you, sweetheart."

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who is this ???
2. Ah, mother of my children, are you sick ?
3. I love you too !!
4. What now ? Did you crash the car again ?
5. I don’t understand what you mean ?
6. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time !
7. What the hell?!?
8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I asked you not to drink anymore. I’ll leave if you are tired of me !

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Questions from a Tourist !

Something really funny that I got from a friend of mine. I was laughing my ass off while reading... Enjoy !!


The questions below about Sri Lanka (Island Nation in Indian Ocean - former British Colony), are from potential visitors. They were posted on a Sri Lankan Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour. It's no longer available and I hope the guy who replied still has his job in tact. Very Funny for a tiny nation !

Q: Does it ever get windy in Sri Lanka? I have never seen it rain in Sri Lanka on TV, how do the plants grow? (Amy - UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see wild elephants on the streets? (Jenna - USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Colombo to Matara (Cities apart) - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Pits - Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only hundred miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around Wanni (Remote Location) in Sri Lanka? (Mia - Ireland)
A: So it's true what they say about the Irish.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Sri Lanka? Can you send me a list of them in Colombo, Galle, Kandy, Kurunegala, Matara and Anuradhapura? (Jeniffer - UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Sri Lanka? (Wendy - USA)
A: Africa is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Sri-Lanka is that small island south of India in the Indian Ocean. Sure, the hippo racing is every Thursday near Diyawanna Oya (Lake). Come naked.

Q: Which direction is Jaffna (Northern State)? (Jacob - USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Sri Lanka? (Courtney - UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Heard Brian Adams and MLTR were in SL. Can you send me the entertainment schedule? (Fred - USA)
A: Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Thursday by the Diyawanna Oya straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Sri Lanka? (Gina - UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Colombo is milk available all year round?(Freund - Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. Try Arrack instead.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Sri Lanka who can dispense Ratlesnake serum. (Clive - USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Sri Lankan snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Sri Lanka, but I forget its name. It's a kind of huge animal that are dressed and taken in pageants. (Patricia - USA)
A: It's called an Elephant. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Sri Lanka? (Cleo - France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Sri Lanka? (Britney - USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in the Western Province where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Brut - Germany)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs in Negombo.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Sri Lanka? (Luca - Italy)
A: Only on Christmas.

Q: I was in Sri Lanka in 1999 on R+R and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in an apartment at Liberty Plaza. Can you help? (Chan - USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Try the eighth floor at the same place. (A former famous Brothel)

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (Michelle - Germany)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Confessions of an Italian !

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Carlo went to the local church for confession.

He said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people together under those trying circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?" said the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over??"

Monday, February 18, 2013

Methods of Baptism !

Another Reason for the good Pope to Quit !!! Utter Confusion !

THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school.  

So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.  

One little boy said, "we need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor.  

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptized!" 

When they got outside, one of them asked, "'what religion do you think we are?"  

(Here is a Warning - religion screwed the world from it's inception)

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."  

"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water." "We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."  

The littlest one said, "didn't you smell that water?"  

They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?' 

"I think it means we're Pissbitarian!"

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Shiiting in Pants is it?

An airplane pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off.

" Thank you for flying with us this morning. The Weather is..." when suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the loud speakers:

"Oh My God" OMG! OMG! This is going to hurt...OMG! Silence reigned!

You can hear a pin-drop. He gets back on the microphone talking to the passengers: " I apologize for this incident...but the stewardess just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap...You should see my pants from the front"... 

A passenger replies ." Why don't you come back here and see OUR PANTS FROM BEHIND" !!!!

No Matter how good it looks, it's the same shit that comes out !!

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