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Sunday, July 31, 2011

Sales Lady Playing Golf !


A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you please tell me what hole I'm on."

She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."

Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.

"I am in sales," she said.

He replied, "No kidding; so am I ! "What do you sell?"

She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.

She said, "I sell sanitary napkins."

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I am still one Hole behind you!."

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Best of husband and wife Jokes !

01.Husband: I divorced my wife on the first night.

Friend: Why?

Husband: I saw the label on her panty, "Tested OK by Calvin Klien."

02. Husband: Ya, my wife is very scared of water!

Friend: How did you know?

Husband: When I got home twice, I saw her having a bath with the security guard.

03.The nurse was taking a blood sample from the Husband. She held his finger and squeezed it for blood. So Husband laughed and Wife was all upset.

Nurse: Why did you laugh?

Husband: Because it's the urine test next!

04. Husband & wife were having dinner together.

Wife: Darling, tell me something that would make me both happy & sad.

Husband: Your nipples R better than your sister's!

05. On the first night of the marriage the husband gives the wife Rs.5000/= and says

"I have never done this for free". The

wife returns Rs.2000/= and says

"I have not charged more than this before!".

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Funny Sayings, Proverbs and Profound Statements !

Wisdom in Profound Truths.....!

Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

Good friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only screwing yourself.

Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of society; but always remember who laid them!!!

Money is just like an arse .. everybody has it, but ... nobody wants to give it !!!

Men play the game. Women know the score.

Wives are funny creatures .... Wives don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.!?!?

This is the most profound statement !

Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you have the same sperm that won a battle against a millions of others.

The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.

Here is the definition of divorce ... She gets the ring and the man gets the finger!!!

Mahatma Gandhi says..........'man who puts his hand in the bush is not always a gardener!!!'.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Funny Grandma's Letter to Grand Daughter - Hawaiian Good Luck Sign

 Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' - 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love !

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Will write again soon.

Love, Grandma

Friday, July 22, 2011

Honorable Men !

OK here is a Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)

If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it!

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, an angel appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The angel went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the angel asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The angel again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the angel asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The angel went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the angel asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The angel was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the angel again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh angel, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The angel went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE

"Is this your wife?" the angel asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The angel was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my angle. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE, You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Angel, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Another funny GOD joke !

GOD speaks out :- "I want the men to form two queues. One queue for men who had control over their women and the other one for the men who were controlled by their women.

Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk.

God returns, the women are gone, and there are two queues.

The queue for men who were controlled by their women is 10 miles long, and in the queue for men who had control over their women there is only one man.

God is flabbergasted and says, " All you men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all controlled by your women. Only one of my sons stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"

"Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this queue?"

The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.”

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Don't step on the ducks in heaven !

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven - Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them,  the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but, one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, But I stepped on a Duck !!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Irony of Men - How god created Man to live long.

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Funny Office Documentation

See How people write leave Applications. It's murder of English language. But Too Funny. Just Read It. The Leave Applications.................

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."


"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."


"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."


"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."


"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"


"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."


"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"


"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."


• Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."


"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."


"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".


Letter writing:- "I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."


A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post. "

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Maria the Latino Servant !

Maria - A Sexy Latino Servant in a Posh American neigbourhood asked for a pay increase from the rich Housewife who has employed her.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked:

'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Mam, there are THREE REASONS why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband say so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.

Wife: (really furious now) 'Ah! Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Mam... Your driver says'.

Wife: 'Ok Ok, So how much do you want?

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Funny Love Letter from a Computer Programer !

Ultimate Love Letter by a Computer Programer !!!

Sweetheart ,I`ve seen you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time I`ve been lonely; this has been the bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now.

My life is an uncompiled program without you, which never produces an executable code and hence is useless. You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well.Your smile is so delightful. It encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.

When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules are running smoothly and giving expected results. /*which I never experienced before.*/ With this letter, I just want to convey to you that if we are linked together, I¡¯ll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life.

Also don`t bother about the firewall which may be created by our parents as I¡¯ve strong hacking capabilities by which I`ll ultimately break their security passwords and make them agree for our marriage. I anticipate that nobody has already logged in to your database so that my connect script will fail. And its all but certain that if this happened to me, my system will crash beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox. Error free...

Software Programmer
Today This company - Tomorrow That Company - But always want ur company!

Error! Filename not specified.

Monday, July 4, 2011

More Husband and Wife Funny Jokes !!

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?

The mafia wants either ur money or life...

The wives want both!


Marriage is like a public toilet.

Those waiting outside are desperate to get in &

Those inside are desperate to come out.


No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life.

(1) Mobile

(2) Automobile

(3) TV

(4) Wife

Because there is always a better model in neighborhood.


Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?`

Google search result, `Good day sir, Even we are searching`.


Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!


Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years. Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!


Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.


A friend recently explained why he refuses to get married. He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.


It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most; and when a man does that... the slide show begins.


It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country, but just One woman to make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid!

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