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Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Don't mess up with the seniors !

Please Click on the above image for larger readable version.

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this and I love the way this old guy handled it:

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Thursday, March 25, 2010


Bakari is a house boy who every day drinks the wine of his Boss and puts water in the bottle to replace
what he drank. But the Boss having suspicions as for the quality of the wine, he decides to buy pastis (a French wine that changes colour if you add water).

Bakari as usual, takes a mouthful and add water to replace what he drank however, soon after he added water the pastis became milky.

When the Boss came back and noticed it, he was sure he had managed to nail Bakari as thief!!! At that same
moment Bakari realized he was in trouble and decided to go into the kitchen.

The Boss told his wife that 'Mary, you will see today,he will be obliged to acknowledge'. So he calls

He shouted:
Bakari answered:
'Yes, Boss'
Boss: 'Who drank my pastis?'

No answer.
The Boss reiterated his question:
'Who drank my wine?'Still;
No answer.

Then the Boss went to fetch Bakari from the kitchen and says to him:
You insane or what? Why when I call you, you say yes boss' but when I ask you a question you don't answer me?

Bakari retorted that 'It is that boss, when you are in the kitchen there, you don't hear anything at all, except the name.

Then to prove that Bakari lies, the Boss says to him: 'You stay beside Madam here, me I go in the kitchen, and you ask me a question '. Bakari accepted and the Boss went in the kitchen.

Bakari shouted:
He answered: 'Yes, Bakari'.

Bakari continued:
 'Who goes in the maid bedroom when the Madam is not here? '.
No answer.

Bakari shouted again:
'Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?'
No answer.

Bakari shouted again (third time):
'Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?'

The Boss returns from the kitchen running and says, Bakari; it is true, you are right. When one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, only the name!

All at the confesional room !

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!' 


There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven...'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' 

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could you be saying a Mass for my poor pet?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for you pet.' 

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish...'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Women & Men !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.


A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'


A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Good year.


A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they

Take your house and car with them.


A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...


A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.



Men Are Just Happier People.What do you expect from such simple creatures ?

Your last name stays unchanged. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans just take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President but never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can also wear 'NO shirt' to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 'The world anywhere is your urinal. You never have to drive to another fashion store because this one was visited by someone whom you know. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character & maturity. Wedding dress is just Rs. 5000.  People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 60 seconds flat. You know stuff about armour tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one briefcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your 'absent minded' friend. Your underwear is Rs. 300 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays to its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades, perhaps for life. You only have to shave your face. You can play with toys all your life. Your car is an example. One wallet and one pair of shades - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

My Ass !!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. 

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret, after all, this was a very delicate matter. 

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before ! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty !

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,

I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

Monday, March 15, 2010

Airline Humour !

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. 

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance  engineers. 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent...
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget 

Getting Pass Customs Officers !

A distinguished young woman on a flight from  Ireland asked

the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'  
'Of course, child.  What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer

for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the
Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.  Is there
any way you could carry it through customs for me?  Under
your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.  The

official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do

you have to declare from your waist to the floor?
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman,

but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.  Next!'

Friday, March 12, 2010

Childrens Storey Books

Guess what would happen if your kiddo starts reading these !!!
(funny children's story book titles)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Sex is............................

Sex is.......:

"Duty", if done with your Wife

"Art", if done with your Lover

"Education", if done with a Virgin

"Business", if done with a Prostitute

"Social Work", if done with a Divorcee

"Charity", if done with a Widow &

"Sacrifice", if done with your own Hand

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?".

"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."

So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.

He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet dreams.

Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"

And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual," and he goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, etc....

The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"

"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Husband and Wife at the Zoo

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt.  

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went crazy.

He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got extremely excited, now making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to show a little more skin. She did ... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down!

"Now, show your legs by pulling your dress up," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips and charging the bars!

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut and said,

"Now, tell him you have a headache AND U ARE NOT IN THE MOOD TODAY!!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

More Funny Stories and Blond Jokes - Internet gaming ha?


Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front.
Who do you let in?

Well, it's your call... but the dog will stop barking when you let him in.

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"  

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"  
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."  

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.  
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."  
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.  
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?  
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."  
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."  

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!  
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"  
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"  
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"  

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"  
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"  
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.  "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"  

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.  Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"  
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond...  "They're watch dogs 

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Timeless Advice and Faceless Cartoons 4!

    Confucius say,

" Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner,

   If she stops sucking, replace the bag."
And more Faceless cartoons and funnies - Click on image to make them larger




Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Sore Throat Treatment and other cartoons !

What to do when you got a sore throat? Give a blow Job?  Be careful when instructing a Blonde !!
Also reminds that load of things around the house could be used as sex toys 
  Poor fellow

 Chauffeur driven ? How do we get our financial stability with wives like this ?

Monday, March 1, 2010

The Beautiful Women and Terror Proof Airline

One Airline that you would never have Terrorists on !!

TPA, Terrorist-Proof Airlines, are in the flying business.

Absolutely guarantee
  • KNIVES, 
  • Cloth Bombs


A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her,
'Do you know what I am doing?'

'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.'

'That's right,' said the doctor. 

He then began to fondle her Breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.

'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'

'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his equipment on the Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. 

He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?'

'Yes,' she said, 'You're going to catch syphilis: which is why I came here in the first place !!' 



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