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Monday, May 27, 2013

Female Logic - always wrong !

For Sale: A Wedding Dress, Size 8. Once worn by Mistake.

Every Wife Is A ' Mistress" For Her Husband.
"Miss" For One Hour & "Stress" For the Rest 23 Hours..!.

There Are Two Times When A Man Doesn't Understand: A Woman - Before Marriage And After Marriage.

My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, And I Didn't.

Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet
Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In
& Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.

Why Were Hurricanes Usually Named After Women?
Because When They Arrive, They're Wet And Wild,
But when They Go, They Take Your House And Car..

Text Messaging
Husband Sends The Following Message To His Wife:
My Love,
If You're Sleeping, Send Me Your Dreams.
If You're Smiling, Send Me Your Smile.
If You're Crying, Send Me Your Tears.
I Love You.
Wife Texed Back :
I'm In The Toilet,
What Should I Send You? 

Whiskey Is A Brilliant Invention.
One Double And You Start Feeling Single Again

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Being Practical - Old Man & Viagra

And, here is another example for being practical - I hope Engineers will take this in to consideration...

an old man goes to a drug store to buy some Viagra. Can I have 6 tablets cut in quarters. i can cut them for you said the pharmacist. but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. I am 96 years old. I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.
- the Pussylectic Generator !

Now this is something you shouldn't do !! Very Impractical !!

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Being Muslim !

I honestly have no racist intentions - hence, the first pic. Sharing the content as I thought it was quite funny and one could be humble enough to self criticize...........

Muslims are not happy.......
They're not happy in Gaza
They're not happy in Egypt
They're not happy in Libya
They're not happy in Morocco
They're not happy in Iran
They're not happy in Iraq
They're not happy in Yemen
They're not happy in Afghanistan
They're not happy in Pakistan
They're not happy in Syria
They're not happy in Lebanon

So, where are they happy?
They're happy in the USA & Canada
They're happy in Australia
They're happy in England
They're happy in France
They're happy in Italy
They're happy in Germany
They're happy in Sweden
They're happy in Norway
They're happy in almost every country that is not Islamic!

And who do they blame?
Not Islam...
Not their leadership..
Not themselves...


And they want to change the countries they're happy in, to be like the countries they came from, where they were unhappy.
Try to find logic in that !

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:
1.  If You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor. 
You are a Muslim
2. If You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
 You are a Muslim
 3. If You have more wives than teeth.
 You are a Muslim
 4. If You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
 You are a Muslim
 5. If You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
 You are a Muslim
 6. If You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
 You are a Muslim
 7. If You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
 You are a Muslim
 8. If You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
 You are a Muslim
 9. If You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
 You are a Muslim
 10. If You find this offensive or racist and don't forward it.
 You are a Muslim

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Ten Commandments of Marriage !

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning. 

Commandment 2 

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. 

Commandment 3 
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand! 

Commandment 4 
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. 


Commandment 5 
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. 

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 

Commandment 7 
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said .  After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. 

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. 

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste. 

Commandment 10 

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. 

A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Funny, True Management Lessons !

There was this state bank robbery in Guangzhou, the robber shouted to everyone:
"Don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you".
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
This is called:
"Mind Changing Concept & Changing the conventional way of thinking".

One lady, lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her,
"Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"
This is called:
"Being Professional & Focus only on what you are trained to do!"

When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated),
"Big bro, let's count how much we got."
The older robber rebutted and said,
"You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"
This is called:
"Experience & nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"

After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly.
The supervisor says,
"Wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 million RMB we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed".
This is called:
"Swim with the tide & converting an unfavourable situation to your advantage!"
The supervisor says,
"It will be good if there is a robbery every month".
This is called:
"Killing Boredom & Happiness is most important."

The next day, TV news reported that 100 million RMB was taken from the bank.
The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million RMB.
The robbers were very angry and complained,
"We risked our lives and only took 20 million RMB, the bank manager took 80 million RMB with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated to be a thief!"
This is called:
"Knowledge is worth as much as gold !"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC shares are now covered by this robbery.
This is called:
"Seizing the opportunity & daring to take risks!"

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Law, Lawyer and Court Humor !

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Jockey Tips the Winner Horse !

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a London casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Ascot that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.
In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch. He backed nothing.

After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4. 'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?’ she asked. 'It paid a fortune?'

'Shit', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was "scratched"....


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