Talking Dog for Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'


The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.


In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'


'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'

Select from these !

WHICH WOULD YOU PREFER?

BECAUSE ALL THESE CLOTHES ARE NOW AVAILABLE



ON SALE AT DUBAI SUMMER SHOPPING FESTIVAL !


 WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

Rules of Boozing !

A few Drinking / Boozing related Quotes

There's nought, no doubt, so much the spirit calms as rum and true religion. - Lord Byron, Don Juan, Second Canto
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What's drinking? A mere pause from thinking! - Lord Byron, The Deformed Transformed
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 Oh brother, be a brother, fill this tiny cup of mine. And please, sir, make it whiskey: I have no head for wine! - Nick Cave, lyric, "Brother My Cup is Empty"
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 I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no occasion. - Miguel de Cervantes, Don Quixote[specific citation needed]
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 A man who doesn't drink is not, in my opinion, fully a man. - Anton Chekhov (1860-1904), Russian author.
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 It is most absurdly said, in popular language, of any man, that he is disguised in liquor; for, on the contrary, most men are disguised by sobriety. - Thomas de Quincey, Confessions of an English Opium-Eater (1856).

Thoughts from Man's heart

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance.

What do women want to be liberated from?

_________________________________________
  The average man's life consists of:

Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going, Forty years of having his wife ask the same question - and at the end, the mourners wondering too where he is going.


______________________________

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.


The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :

'Ladies and Gentlemen. Today is the luckiest day of my life ...' Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.'

The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . . . But not the poor Groom ! ! !

___________________________________

And now the Best for the Last . . . .

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'


The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop ! Stand still ! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.. The man asked. 'Who are you?'

'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.

'Oh, yeah?' the man said 'And where the hell were you when I got married?

Wife, Girlfriend, TV and Mobile

A STUDY FROM A CLEVER PERSON:


NOTE :- A Wife is like a TV….. A Girlfriend is like a MOBILE

At home you watch TV….. but when you go out you take your MOBILE …...

When you have no money, you sell the TV….and when you have got money you change your MOBILE …..


Sometimes you enjoy TV…. but most of the time you play with your MOBILE …..

TV is free for life….but for the MOBILE …., if you don't pay, the services will be terminated….


TV is big, bulky and most of the time old…., But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable….

Operational costs for the TV are often acceptable….., but for the MOBILE …. it is often high and demanding….


TV has a remote…. MOBILE doesn't…..


MOBILE is a two-way communication (u talk and listen), but with the TV you MUST only listen ( whether you want to or not)


BUT !!! - Most Importantly:


TVs don't have viruses… but MOBILEs often do...

Body Parts That Don't Work !

A man has 27 parts that don't work for him.

  

• 20 nails that don't nail
• 1 belly button that doesn't button
• 2 tits that don't milk
• 1 cock that doesn't crow
• 2 balls that don't bounce
• 1 ass that doesn't do any work

 

 So, what are you women smiling at?

 

You have a pussy that doesn't catch mice!

 

E-Mails from a Jack Ass !!

OK - got this mail and was too funny not to share. Kudos to the copywrite owner. Awesome stuff.


From Me to *********@**********.org:


Hey there!


I'm trying to get rid of a bunch of movies I've had since I was a kid. The movie stores won't take them, and it would be a shame for me to just throw them out. I'd love to pass them on to people who can enjoy them. Let me know if you are interested.
Mike



From Julia ****** to Me:


Mike - Which movies do you have and how much do you want for them?


From Me to Julia ******:


Julia,


Here is the full list:

Alvin and the Chipmunks
Alladin
Backdoor Creampies 2
Beauty and the Beast
Big Black Threesome
Fantasia
Finally 18 and Legal
The Lion King
Mattress Slaves 3
The Mighty Ducks
Toy Story
Wet Squirters 5


Please let me know which ones you want.
Thanks,
Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:


Mike...some of those titles are inappropriate.




From Me to Julia ******:


Julia,
Which titles are inappropriate?
Mike




From Julia ****** to Me:


I think you know which ones...

From Me to Julia ******:

Are you talking about Fantasia? I know, I thought it was a Vietnam war movie too. I assure you it has nothing to do with Asia and is completely appropriate for children. The only other title I think you are referring to as inappropriate is The Lion King, but I think you are confusing that with "The Scorpion King," the violent movie starring Dwayne Johnson. While the Lion King does have adult themes, it is nothing like The Scorpion King.

I hope this clears things up.
Mike




From Julia ****** to Me:


No...explain to me how these movies are for children??? Backdoor Creampies, Big Black Threesome, Finally 18 and Legal, Mattress Slaves 3, Wet Squirters 5. It sounds to me like you are trying to throw out your porn collection.

From Me to Julia ******:


Pornography? What a disgusting accusation! What kind of a person do you think I am? You have a really perverted mind if you think those movies are adult films. You've really never heard of those movies? Where was your childhood? I'll find the plot summaries for you.

Backdoor Creampies - Cindy, a little girl with big ambitions, decides to open a bakery in her parents kitchen - selling pies to children who come to her backyard. Cindy learns that running a business isn't all fun and games in this hilarious tale of entrepreneurship.


Big Black Threesome - Barry, Billy and Bernie are three lovable black bears who have zany adventures during their quest for honey.


Finally 18 and Legal - A coming of age story about a young girl who becomes an independent woman.


Mattress Slaves 3 - Part 3 of the shocking documentary about slave labor in the mattress industry of third world countries. (Acceptable for kids, and in my opinion, a necessity to educate them on some real world issues. I never bought a foreign mattress again after this eye-opener.)


Wet Squirters 5 - The Squirters gang is back again in this heartwarming tale about a group of whales who try to find their long lost father in a vast ocean of wet sea critters.


Once again, I hope this clears things up for you.
Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

You expect me to believe that all of those movies simply have unfortunate titles? Nice try.



From Me to Julia ******:


Sorry to disappoint your sick mind Julia, but yes, they are all children's movies. So do you want them or not?
By the way, I just found 3 more movies to add to the collection I am offering:

Toy Story 2
James and the Giant Peach
Walt Disney's Double Penetration Cockblasts 3


Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:


Okay I've had enough of this. You are a nut.




From Me to Julia ******:


Think of the children, Julia. They will never get to enjoy these classic films because of you.



From Julia ****** to Me:




Go to hell.

What's More Important in your Life ?

You some times do begin to wonder what people might perceive to be important in their lives.

Slap bang - YOU ARE WRONG !!!

See these !

Never Take Husbands to Supermarkets !

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target (Supermarket Chain).

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. White,


Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. White, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused  the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the atidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was? And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no  toilet paper in here.' - One of the clerks passed out.


Hope you understand our concerns
 
Signed - General Manager
 
The Following advert was on Mrs. White's patheway the next day !!