Never Take Husbands to Supermarkets !

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target (Supermarket Chain).

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. White,


Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. White, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused  the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the atidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was? And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no  toilet paper in here.' - One of the clerks passed out.


Hope you understand our concerns
 
Signed - General Manager
 
The Following advert was on Mrs. White's patheway the next day !!
 

Funny Dear Santa Notes !

This is for Christmas - enough is enough - Santa please stop the bull-shit and give me my presents that I thoroughly deserve !!!!

Or, is it that Santa treats us like Todlers ?

Irony of a Funny Suicide Death !

Very Interesting Read !!!!!!



At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AFS President Dr Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.


Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.


Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.


As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.


"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "A person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide."


That Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.


In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr Opus.

When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B."


When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her.


Therefore, the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident.


It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.


The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure Of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March


23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.


The son had actually murdered himself.


So, the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.


LOL !!

What to do after having sex !

This is the most beautiful Love story ever !!

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ...


Something she just loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,  "Why do you love doing that?"


Because ... She Replied ....


"I Really Miss Mine"

Funny Power of Observation !

A practical example of how the human mind works: In the picture below, we will analyze what it represents to some groups of people. Read the review after the photo...

• For young men, it's a nice ass. Only the most observant will define this as an ass crossing the street. The really observant will see the thong.

• For older men, it is a respectable woman with a nice ass crossing the street.

• The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman.

• The wise men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in the face of such beauty and gratitude that it was shared with humanity.

 

 ALSO !

 

• For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.

• The other half is wondering where she bought that blouse.

• The wise women imagine the misery that this will be at age 50.

• Children, the curious, and monks will probably notice a dog driving the taxi.

 

 

 

Don't be alarmed, I didn't see the dog either

Funny IT People !!

Some might consider IT people specially software engineers geeks. Well, as much as them being geeks, they do provide us with great entertainment. See pics below - you can click on them for larger views.

Funny Indian Taxi Driver !!

If you've ever had an Indian taxi driver you'll love this one...



A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at Fortitude Valley in Brisbane.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?!"

Time Traveling in the Bar Joke

Click on Below Image for better reading view

It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning. The reason for this odd behavior is based on Einstein's famous Relativity Theory.



It works like this:

It is a well-known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move. After about 8 beers (or 4 double brandies & coke, etc), you're moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture. According to his Relativity Theory, anybody moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub.

Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub. A typical situation is: "OK guys, it's 8 o'clock, I'm gonna surprise the family and get home early!!" However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes:" Why is it so quiet?? OMG!!! It's half past one!! WHAT HAPPENED???!!??" .and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation!!

I've tried to explain this to outside observers, but so far nobody (except Fellow time travellers) have been able or willing to understand the sound Scientific basis of this phenomenon.


Please forward this to all your known time travellers - maybe we can prove this theory by sheer, overwhelming force of numbers.

Express you Views on New Facebook (FB) Layout !

With the new look of Facebook, one could nothing but wonder what on earth Mister Mark Zack is up to.... Well here is our view !!!!

Seriously !!! don't you think it's so true ???? They have copied all others to bring to us the new Facebook !!

This future is not that far !!!