Jamaican BMW & Wedding Cake

This guys doesn't look life a person who's suffering, anyways,

A health forum speaker asks :

"Which food causes extreme suffering for years after eating it ?"

.

.

After a long silence, an old man answered:

"Wedding Cake” !!!!!!!

And you know that he is a millionaire - what a shame !

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A Jamaican driving his BMW pulls over to the hard shoulder to urinate.

A truck crashes into his door sending it flying off its hinges....

When the police arrive the jamaican tells them "Star di man just rip da door off mi new bimmer" 

The policeman replys "U Jamaicans are so materialistic. U are so worried about your car door you didn't even relise that your hand has been detached" 

The Jamaican looks at his amputated hand and screams "Bloodclart! Mi Rolex...!!

Mohammed and Little Johnny - God Bless America !

Even the Children Knows the Difference !!!

And here is the Joke - LOL !!



Mohammed, an Arab child, entered his classroom on
the first day of school in Ohio.
   
"What is your name?"  
– asked the teacher.
 
"Mohammed"
– answered the kid.
 
"You are in America now.  
From now on your name will be Johnny,"  
–replied the teacher.
 
In the evening, Mohammed returned home.  
"How was your day,Mohammed?"  
– asked his mother.
 
"My name is not Mohammed.  
I’m in America and now my name is Johnny."
– replied Mohammed.
 
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying  
to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion?  
Shame on you!"  
....and she beat him.
Then she called his father and he too beat him.
 
The next day Mohammed returned to school..
 
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked,  
"What happened to you little Johnny?"
 
"Well Ma'am, 4 hours after  
I become an American,    
I was attacked by two Arabs at home."

 

Mouning Widow !

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. 

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.  

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet." 

Well, it was an immediate hit.   

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,  

he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont ...    

Their first night there, she undressed as he did,

there she stood nude, except for a pair of 

black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.   

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties,  

and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom .

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied,

"I Want to offer my deepest condolences"

More on Women !!!!

Well, This guy had the Tattoo that every man in the world admired Untill he went to Prison !!!!!!

 
Women are the best vehicles in the world

Because :-

 

---2 beautiful headlights in the front

---2 great bumpers at the back

---Self -lubricating when hot

---Finger touch ignition

---Automatic engine oil change every month

---Any type of pistons fit

---Multiple seating styles & adjustments

----Great accessories

---Highest mileage  -  9 months with  just 5ml refill

---That 's why MEN are dying to get a good ride.......................

As long as they can figure out who they are going to ride !!

The Pretty and The Ugly + +

And you Wonder why our Grandpas were drunkards !!!!

 

Guys, Do you know that Chlesea Clinton had a fight with her Husband the very next day after getting married ????? The reason was that her Husband asked for Advice from her Father - Mr. Bill Clinton !!

_______________________________________________________

Three women die together in an accident

And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,

'We only have one rule here in heaven:

Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,

There are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,

And although they try their best to avoid them,

The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says,

'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to

Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

 

The next day,

The second woman steps accidentally on a duck

And along comes St. Peter,

Who doesn't miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together

With the same admonishment as for the first woman. 

The third woman has observed all this and,

Not wanting to be chained

For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,

VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months

Without stepping on any ducks,

But

One day St.Peter comes up to her

With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on

.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,

'I wonder what I did to deserve being

Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,

'I don't know about you,

But I stepped on a
Duck.

School - Then and Now !

Scenario:Johnny and Mark get into  a fistfight after  school.
1957 - Crowd  gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands  and end up buddies.

2010  - Police called, arrests Johnny and  Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled  even though Johnny started it. Both children go  to anger management programs for 3 months.  School board hold meeting to impliment bullying  prevention programs

Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in  class, disrupts other  students.
1957 - Robbie sent  to office and given 6 of the best by the  Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does  not disrupt class again.

2010  - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin.  Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's  parents get fortnightly disability payments and  School gets extra funding from state because  Robbie has a disability.
Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in  his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a  whipping with his belt.
1957  - Billy is more careful next time,  grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a  successful businessman.

2010  - Billy's dad is arrested for child  abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a  gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister  that she remembers being abused herself and  their dad goes to prison.
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and  takes some aspirin to school.
1957  - Mark gets  glass of water from Principal to take aspirin  with.

2010 - Police called,  Mark expelled from school for drug violations.  Car searched for drugs and  weapons.

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart  leftover firecrackers from Guy  Fawkes, puts them in a model airplane  paint bottle, blows up a bullant  nest.
1957 - Ants  die.

2010- State Police, Star  Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad  called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism,  Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from  home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes  on a terror watch list and is never allowed to  fly again.
Scenario :
Johnny falls while  running during recess and scrapes his  knee. He is  found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs  him to comfort him.
1957  - In a  short time, Johnny feels better and goes on  playing.

2010 - Mary is  accused of being a sexual predator and loses her  job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny  undergoes 5 years of therapy.

How stupid we have  become ? 

Sware me not !

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. 

Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. 

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT !". 

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you", and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird, and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says: "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Iron Man 2 and few funnies !

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Failure is not when ur girlfriend leaves you... It's only when u leave her a virgin.


Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!

 
Define contraceptive pill?
It's the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.


The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!


Why is it that a girl looks down when u say I love u? To see if u really mean it!


Why is sex similar to shaving? Well, because no matter how well u do it today, tomorrow u have to do it again.

Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.


Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-olympic sex.
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.


The stock markets now are like an old man's dick? Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fucked!


This week is Breast Awareness Week Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!


The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to : Hang Till Death !


A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

What is the difference between a chicken and a baby? Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.

If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get? Tit-Bits. And if it bursts in a man' underwear? Banana split.


What's the diff between a bomb n a condom? In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.

Russell Peters - a tribute - LOL !!

Some stuff from one of the best stand up comedians of our times. Russ concentrates mainly on racial and ethnic jokes. But, no one would take offense in them - he is such a craftsman in that sense - great guy !!

Enjoy the posts !!

This is on West Indians




This is one of the finnier ones - About the English



This is about the English Gals - LOL !



This is a new Clip in 2010 !!

Exploring Down Under !

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,

he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont ...

Their first night there, she undressed as he did,

there she stood nude, except for a pair of

black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties,

and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom .

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied,

"I Want to offer my deepest condolences"

The Indian Proposal !

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An Indian's reply to a matrimonial proposal

Dear Madam:

I am an older young uncle living only with myself in Amritsar . Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Punjab . I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce alot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking (only a Kingfisher in the evenings) but I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand. If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope. 

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon,

Yours and only yours,

Choudhary Bash Warraich,
born by mother in Bhindra di galli and become big,
and moneyed in Amritsar, Punjab

Few Funny Cartoons !

Perfect Job !

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Mac goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes - coffee."

 

"Have you ever been in the military service?

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." 

Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
 

Mac says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow from 10:00AM every day."

Mac is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why do you want me to start here from10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the inter-viewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point you coming in for that."

 

The Seven Tiny Ones !!

Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are The Seven Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"
Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Holiness, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?
The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question, thought for a moment and answered, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ..
In the background, a few of the dwarfs started giggling.
Grumpy turned around and glared, silencing them.
Grumpy turned back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?
The Pope, puzzled now, again thought for a moment and then answered, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turned around and silenced them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turned back and said, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
The Pope, really confused by the questions said, "I'm sorry, my son, truly there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
ALL the other dwarfs collapsed into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting .......

"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

Missed Call !!

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

Women!!


She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.

People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.

The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.


Junior said

"The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later"...

Mervyn Says !