Yes - it's a woman !!

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary  Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical
students.

  Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor
decided to lighten the mood.

  He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked:  "Do you
know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
 

  She replied  "Probably playing golf and drinking beer with his mates."

  It took 16 minutes to restore order in the classroom...

The Town in Austria

In Austria along side the German Border lies a town 'Fucking" - Don't trust me ?? Check out on Google Maps

Now the questions that would be aroused on a typical mind would be.................

Are the residents called Fuckers?

And what about the Fucking neighborhood?

What are the mothers called?

What would you be learning at the Fucking High School ?

Where is the Fucking Post Office?

Does the Fucking Hospital help you with anything else?

And the Fucking drivers!

If your friend came from another town, he wouldn't be your Fucking friend.

Is fishing allowed in the Fucking Lake ?

We had a wonderful time at Fucking.

We stayed in a Fucking chalet!

Fucking needs government funding.

Does anyone care about Fucking?

Still don't believe - check this out

They also had a paper article about the town - click on it for a larger readable version please.

They Also have road signs - this one says - 'Bitte! Nicht so schnell', which in English translates to 'Please! Not so fast! 

More tidbits, and it gets even funnier! .... Pronounced 'fooking'. The little hamlet of Fucking is named after the man who founded the village in the 6th century. His name? Focko.

NOW YOU CAN SHARE THIS WEB PAGE WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS WHO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE FUCKING TOWN. 

Use a Condom always !

( Durex Better Pay me for promoting them !! )

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time..

A week after arriving back home, he wakes up one morning to find his  dicky-boy covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see his family doctor, Dr. Hutas Patas.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot of pencillin or something and fix me up, Doc.'

Dr Hutas Patas  answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your thingy.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only hope.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese Medic close to home, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese medic examines his dick and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely vely  lare decease.'

The man says to the medic, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My family doctor wants to operate and amputate ....!'

The Chinese  shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid Westen doctas, always want toa  opelate. They make more muney dat way. No need to opelate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man ( a bald headed burger, incidentally)  replies.

'Yes, yu save mucha muney' says the Chinese medic, ' yu wait twoa weeks.  Fawl off by itself!'

Shorties !!

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as real Rugby player.  They start to talk, and eventually go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

“What's that ?' the lady questions again.

“Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man  replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down," - "It will say ADIDAS in a minute...........!!!"

*****************************

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

 

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'

Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.….and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

Calling 911 - Funnies !

Dispatcher  : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller:  I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an  address?
Caller:  No, I have on a blouse and  slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller :   Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?  
Caller :  I made a ham and cheese sandwich and  left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom,  someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller :   No, but this has happened to me before and I'm  sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Call er:   I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my  phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller:    I  thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.  
Caller:    Honey, I may be old, but I'm not  stupid.


 
Dispatcher: 9-1-1  What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller:     My wife is pregnant and her  contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller:   No, you idiot! This is her husband!  


Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller:  Yeah, I'm  having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.  Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where  are you calling from?
Caller:   I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the  way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller:   No
Dispatcher: What were you  doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller:    Running from the  Police.  
 

Day at the Nudist Colony !

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our

facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'

 

BLIND MAN !

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, hands him a menu.  "I'm sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little curious, the owner walks over to a dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork.. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."    "Unbelievable!" In the kitchen, the owner exclaims to his wife Theresa, who is also the cook, and tells her what has just happened. A few days later the blind man returns, and the owner brings him a menu. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." In disbelief, the owner tells his wife Theresa that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.. The blind returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Theresa, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Theresa does it and hands her husband the fork.. As the blind man sits down, the owner is ready. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Theresa works here?

All Time Best Naughty Lines

Q: What's the difference between cricketers and condoms?
A: Cricketers drop the catches and condoms catches the drops.

Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and a woman?
A: Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, riding a woman you fix your legs & move your ass.

Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.

Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.

Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward... backward.... forward... stop and eject.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble

Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.

* 7 qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful,
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful and
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T. S

Q: Who is a gynecologist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure.

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology. When the baby looks like neighbour, then it is sociology.

Q: What's the height of recycling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted.. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day.

Girlfriend & boyfriend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
The boy's hand......

Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed.
Tarzan asked "Why"?
The animals told him......... .."Your tail is in the front"

Last but not least
Secret of long life...
Morning two eggs, evening two pegs......and night between two legs

Peacock !!

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is  66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My Dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………

“Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

The all new Toyota Cowrolla !

The Answer to Toyota's reliability issues

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, " Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"


This time, a little voice came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!  I'm putting on my shoes!"

Wife Jokes !

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25^th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their 25 years of marriage.  Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known 'blissful marriage'.

 Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?'

 Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We had been to Shimla for our honeymoon. Having decided to go horse riding, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a little wild.

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said 'This is your first time'.  Again she climbed on the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time again she calmly said, 'This is your second time' and continued. When the horse dropped her the third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead!!

I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?

She gave a silent look and said softly : 'This is your first time.'. . . . and we lived happily together since then.

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.

A guest seated next to the speaker said, " WoaW, your wife has sent you a "KISS" before you begin your speech ; She must love you very much !"

The speaker replied,  ......" You don't know my wife yet ; ....The letters stand for : " KEEP IT SHORT, STUPID ! "

 

Never mess with others properties !

Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!

Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...

New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.

Why is $ex like shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today.... tomorrow you'll  have to do it again...

Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.

Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME!

Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later

My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise. Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!

 ________________________________

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my professional license! They'll throw both of us in jail!  Absolutely not!   You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you  had a prescription'

 

EU Way of doing stuff !

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". 

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

 

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. 
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. 

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. 

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. 

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". 

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. 

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. 

 
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. 

Cure for all ilnesses !!

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those  headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, ''What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone.."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.


Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom,
comes back and round two was even better than The First time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."