Sware me not !

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. 

Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. 

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT !". 

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you", and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird, and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says: "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Iron Man 2 and few funnies !

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Failure is not when ur girlfriend leaves you... It's only when u leave her a virgin.


Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!

 
Define contraceptive pill?
It's the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.


The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!


Why is it that a girl looks down when u say I love u? To see if u really mean it!


Why is sex similar to shaving? Well, because no matter how well u do it today, tomorrow u have to do it again.

Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.


Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-olympic sex.
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.


The stock markets now are like an old man's dick? Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fucked!


This week is Breast Awareness Week Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!


The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to : Hang Till Death !


A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

What is the difference between a chicken and a baby? Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.

If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get? Tit-Bits. And if it bursts in a man' underwear? Banana split.


What's the diff between a bomb n a condom? In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.

Russell Peters - a tribute - LOL !!

Some stuff from one of the best stand up comedians of our times. Russ concentrates mainly on racial and ethnic jokes. But, no one would take offense in them - he is such a craftsman in that sense - great guy !!

Enjoy the posts !!

This is on West Indians




This is one of the finnier ones - About the English



This is about the English Gals - LOL !



This is a new Clip in 2010 !!

Exploring Down Under !

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,

he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont ...

Their first night there, she undressed as he did,

there she stood nude, except for a pair of

black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties,

and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom .

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied,

"I Want to offer my deepest condolences"

The Indian Proposal !

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An Indian's reply to a matrimonial proposal

Dear Madam:

I am an older young uncle living only with myself in Amritsar . Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Punjab . I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce alot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking (only a Kingfisher in the evenings) but I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand. If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope. 

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon,

Yours and only yours,

Choudhary Bash Warraich,
born by mother in Bhindra di galli and become big,
and moneyed in Amritsar, Punjab

Few Funny Cartoons !

Perfect Job !

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Mac goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes - coffee."

 

"Have you ever been in the military service?

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." 

Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
 

Mac says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow from 10:00AM every day."

Mac is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why do you want me to start here from10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the inter-viewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point you coming in for that."

 

The Seven Tiny Ones !!

Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are The Seven Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"
Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Holiness, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?
The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question, thought for a moment and answered, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ..
In the background, a few of the dwarfs started giggling.
Grumpy turned around and glared, silencing them.
Grumpy turned back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?
The Pope, puzzled now, again thought for a moment and then answered, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turned around and silenced them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turned back and said, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
The Pope, really confused by the questions said, "I'm sorry, my son, truly there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
ALL the other dwarfs collapsed into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting .......

"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

Missed Call !!

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

Women!!


She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.

People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.

The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.


Junior said

"The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later"...

Mervyn Says !

The Indian With One Testicle

India over time has produced some of the funniest characters around, probably due to the cultural diversity and education levels. Anyways, we thank them for keeping us entertained....... Now don't we ?

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He

jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do. Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until A woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being

away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

  OH, come on... take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

 

You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows...

You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

More Football Jokes - this time, it is the final !

A man has tickets for the football World Cup final. After he has been
sitting in his seat for a few minutes, the man in the seat behind him
taps him on the shoulder and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"Absolutely incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, one of the great sporting events, and not use it?"

"Well actually," he says, "the seat belonged to my wife. She was
supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first World
Cup final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," replies the man. "That's terrible.
But couldn't you find someone else to take the seat? A friend or relative, or even a neighbour ?"

The man shakes his head and says, "No, they're all at the funeral.