Forgive me Lord, but this was too funny !!

The answers to ASK GOD:
1. HUMAN: How did 4 middle eastern men end up with super white names like Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John?
GOD: Once again, those names have changed over time. Those are the names from the King James Bible. In 2000 years, the disciples will have names like Matheotrix, Markonicon, Lukrevaleous, and Jon.

2. HUMAN: God, why do you demand our foreskins?

GOD: So that man can prove his fealty to Me. Think about it. If a man will cut off a piece of his dick for you, you can probably trust him.

3. HUMAN: God, why did you put the male g-spot up the butt?

GOD: I am the LORD. I put the male g-spot up the butt to make sex feel amazing for gay men. Besides, if I put the g-spot on the penis, men would climax even faster than they already do and everyone would suffer.

4. HUMAN: I have a theory that Mary cheated on Joseph and used the God thing to cover it all up. Am I right?

GOD: Fuck no! Mary and the LORD righteously fornicated while Joseph lay passed out in the other room. Get over it already.

5. HUMAN: Why do Adam & Eve have belly buttons ?

GOD: HOW MANY TIMES WILL I BE ASKED THIS QUESTION?!! What do you want to hear?! OK! OK! FINE! Adam and Eve have belly buttons because I gave birth to them out of My Divine Rectum. After I birthed them I detached their umbilical cords. Never ask this question again!!

6. HUMAN: Remember that time I took a shit load of mushrooms, did we really hang out?

GOD: Yes, we hung out that night for a little while. Then the second mushroom you ate kicked in and you started freaking out. If I recall correctly, you went running off into that stormy night without shoes. Next time, only take one, ok? Only take one.

7. HUMAN: God, if you have everything already planned and make someone murder someone else and you send him to hell, doesn't that make you an asshole since it was your plan to begin with?

GOD: My Divine Plan only includes awesome things. Anything bad you should blame on free will. Or Satan. Satan, right? What a fucking douchebag asshole.

Did Noah Build a New Ark ?

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."