Two
friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a
flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.
Redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has
expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like
spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
Lady: So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
spending each month at$900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the
past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been
put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now
bought a Ferrari?
Men Are Just Happier People.What do you expect from such simple creatures ?
Your last name stays unchanged. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans just take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President but never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can also wear 'NO shirt' to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 'The world anywhere is your urinal. You never have to drive to another fashion store because this one was visited by someone whom you know. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character & maturity. Wedding dress is just Rs. 5000. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 60 seconds flat. You know stuff about armour tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one briefcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your 'absent minded' friend. Your underwear is Rs. 300 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays to its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades, perhaps for life. You only have to shave your face. You can play with toys all your life. Your car is an example. One wallet and one pair of shades - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?".
"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."
So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.
He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet dreams.
Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"
And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual," and he goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, etc....
The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
Click on images to see them larger- Enjoy the Show and Merry Christmas !!!
While she was flying down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love asked 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied: 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...
Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered.
They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"
Parachute Jumping
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
The Bet
A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
What Kind of Tracks Are They?
Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.
The best saved for Last - Click on image to see readable post
