Three women all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day,
they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent time playing with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard muffled noises from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught
yesterday."
This guy
is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has
just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is
stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar
he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you
know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father
of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been
unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper at my
bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends,
while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up
my ass?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
A young blond girl in her early 20s, wanting to earn some extra
money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman"
and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner
if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch"
he said. "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would
need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she
realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I
gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her
along with a $10 tip.............
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a
Porch, it's a Mercedes."
(I am telling ya all - they are good for one thing and that requires a bed, a couch - oh fuck it, anywhere you could fuck them all) Enjoy !
Different Phases of a man:
After engagement: Superman
After Marriage: Gentleman
After 10 years: Watchman
After 20 years: Doberman
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There is only one perfect child in the world and every Mother has it.
There is only one perfect wife in the world and every Neighbour has it
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called "Man, The Master of Women"?
Sales girl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
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The world's thinnest book has only one word written in it: "Everything" ;
and the book is titled: "What Women Want!"
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A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE.
A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Girlfriends are like CHOCOLATES, taste good anytime.
Lovers are like PIZZAS, Hot and spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands are like Dal RICE, eaten when there`s no choice
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Man receives telegram: Wife dead - should be buried or Cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
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Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying &
The other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your Life!
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Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second Woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the Same offence
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Lady to her maid: Oh Kanta, I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
Kanta : I don't believe it! You are just saying that to make me jealous!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother & said,
"I've found a man just like father!"
Mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.
One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Nigerians and Zimbabweans is not the correct answer.
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Nottingham but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache."
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ..."I hope that the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”
The Red Cross has just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said that we would love to but our hose pipe reaches only as far as the bottom of the garden
I was round at my new girlfriend's for dinner the other day. As she was cooking, she asked me to turn on the veg. Apparently, fingering her disabled sister in her wheelchair wasn't the right thing to do
A man is busy screwing his girlfriend on the railway tracks.
The alert train driver spots the couple miles before and immediately starts honking and starts applying the brakes.
But the couple just ignore it and are happily in the act.
The driver is damn irritated and just stops a few yards away from the loving couple. He jumps down from the engine and rushes towards the man who has just finished and is zipping up his pants.
The driver is so angry, he starts shouting at the irresponsible young man, "You idiot, do you realize that if I had not seen you at the right time, this would have been your last..."
Hold on...," replies the young man, "Listen, you were coming, she was coming and I was coming. But only you had brakes. So chill out"
They really do walk among us, along with us and next to us...........................
You can't make this stuff up!
NEW YORK - resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'
Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.' After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.
The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?
Immediately Mrs Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.'
Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans... 'Darn I think I better phone a friend.' Mrs.. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant..
'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. 'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.' Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon.
Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds. 'Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'
To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice. 'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.
Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life..
'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see... I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant... Final answer.'
Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'
Caution...they walk among us This one is equally unbelievable. (No comments needed!)They Walk Among Us!
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Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it...'For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
They walk amongst us!
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I stopped at Mc Donald's and ordered some fries.
The girl behind the counter said "would you like some fries with that?"
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One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.... 'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
They walk among us!
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.......'
They Walk Among Us!
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.
They Walk Among Us!
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and earremain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned....
They Walk Among Us !
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'....
(I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Among Us!
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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
