Funnies for the Season !

An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, She writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says, " I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran Some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top Condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection With God?" 

The man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the

Bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he

Turns it back off." 

The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd

Like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He

Claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns On the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is This true?"

She said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator! "

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It’s red wine, a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."

"That’s correct", said the boss. Another glass.

"It’s Red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."

"Correct." The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It’s a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.

And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who the father is!" 

Balls Vs. Gutts & A few Definitions

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically

speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 
ADULT
 
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
 

BEAUTY PARLOUR
 
A place where women curl up and dye.



CHICKENS
 
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
 
COMMITTEE
 
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
 
DUST
 
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
 
EGOTIST
 
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
 
HANDKERCHIEF

Cold Storage.
 
INFLATION
 
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
 
MOSQUITO
 
An insect that makes you like flies better.
 
RAISIN
 
A grape with a sunburn.
 
SECRET
 
Something you tell to one person at a time.
 
SKELETON
 
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
 
TOOTHACHE
 
The pain that drives you to extraction.
 
TOMORROW
 
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
 
YAWN
 
An honest opinion openly expressed. 

WRINKLES
 
Something other people have, 
Similar to my character lines.