Wonderful Definitions !

School

A place where Parents pay and children play .

Life Insurance

A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse:

A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills .

Marriage

It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters...

Divorce

Future tense of Marriage.

Tears

The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water power...

Lecture

An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either" .

Conference

The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise

The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary

A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room

A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father

A banker provided by nature.

Criminal

A person no different from the rest

....except that he/she got caught.

Boss

Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician

One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after .

DOCTOR

A person who holds your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic

Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile

A curve that can set a lot of things straight .

Office

A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn

The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.

A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee

Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience

The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb

An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher

A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise.

Definitions to Laugh !

Just for Laughs

What do men do after sex? 2% eat; 3% smoke cigarettes; 4% take a shower; 5% go to sleep and 86% get up and go back home to their wives.   AGES OF VAGINA: 16 TO 19     BRAND NEW. 20 TO 28     SLIGHTLY USED 29 TO 36     SECOND HAND  37 TO 45     SUBJECT TO REPAIR 46 TO 55     FOR LUBRICATION 56 TO 60     TOTAL WRECK 61 TO 70     CLOSED FOR  RENOVATION!!!!!!! =================================== Why is your penis better than a credit card?  (a)   Once spent it recharges itself.  (b)   It is accepted worldwide. (c)   You can let your wife use it as much as she wants. =================================== LITTLE GIRL:     Mommy, I just found out that our                       neighbour's son has a penis like a peanut! MUM:               You mean it's small? LITTLE GIRL:      No it's salty!!! =================================== A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing. =================================== A man was carrying 3 babies in a train. The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies? MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS. =================================== Women top 5 lies:  from the whitest down 5.   I am a virgin.   4.   It is so big. 3.   I can't do that to my best friend. 2.   I won't gain weight after marriage 1.   I am coming! I am coming!!! =================================== A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic. She says: What is that? He says: We go Home, screw, and then you disappear.  =================================== What is the closest thing to a woman's period? Your SALARY... It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn't come, you are F*CKED!!! =================================== Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?   A Kid replied : The legs...because every night I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING". =================================== Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school? Pupil : Because I heard my sister's boyfriend  say,  "TONIGHT I WILL EAT YOUR PUSSY". =================================== What's the difference between a panty and a stage curtain?  Answer : When you pull down the stage curtain, show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY... IT'S SHOWTIME.  =================================== MUM: Didn't I tell you if a stranger touches your breast say "DON'T".  And if he touches your pussy say STOP! GIRL : But mum, he touched both, so I told him  DON'T STOP!!!!" =================================== GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES 9 INCHES -      Oh Shit, pain!! 7 INCHES -      Oh, I'm in heaven 6 INCHES -      OH PERFECT 5 INCHES -      UMMMM OK  4 INCHES -      PUSH MORE 3 INCHES -      IS THAT IN??? 2 INCHES -      IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!! Morris  returns from the doctor and tells his wife that  the Doctor  has told him that he has only 24 hours to  live. Given  the prognosis, Morris Asks his wife for  sex. Naturally,  she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later,  the Husband goes to his wife and  says, 'Honey,  you know I now have Only 18 hours to  live. Could  we please do it one more  time?' Of  course, the wife agrees, and they do it  again. Later,  as the man gets into bed, he looks at  his watch and  realizes that he now has Only 8 hours  left. He  touches his wife's shoulder and  asks, 'Honey,  please... Just one More time before I  die.' She  says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make  love for the third time. After  this session, the wife rolls over and  falls to sleep. Morris,  however, worried about his impending  death, tosses  and turns, until he's down to 4 more  hours. He  taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I  have only 4 more hours. Do  you think  we Could...' At  this point the wife sits up and says,  'Listen Morris, enough is  enough. I  have to get up in the morning... You  don't.'