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Showing posts with label funny one liners quotes jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny one liners quotes jokes. Show all posts

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Funny One Liners




  • When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't  talk for a year and a half. 
  • Join the army, see the world, meet interesting  people, and kill them. 
  • Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut  Up.' 
  • I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be  there when it happens. 
  • Always and never are two words you should  always remember never to use.
  • I've never been drunk, but often I've been  over served. 
  • The road to success is always under  construction. 
  • I say no to drugs -- they just don't listen! 
  • Marriage is one of the chief causes of  divorce. 
  • Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of  your time. 
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in  the wrong lane. 
  • Born free; Taxed to death.  
  • Everyone has a photographic memory; some  people just don't have film. 
  • Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first. 
  • Smile -- it makes people wonder what you're up to.  
  • I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork. 
  • A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case,  the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. 
  • The hardest part of skating is the ice. 
  • The guy who invented the first wheel was an  idiot; the guy who invented the other three, he was  the genius. 
  • The trouble with being punctual is that there's no one there to appreciate it. 
  • If our constitution allows us free speech, why  are there phone bills? 
  • If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars  in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure. 
  • Beat the 5 O'clock rush: leave work at noon! 
  • If you can't convince them, confuse them. 
  • It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end. 
  • I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 
  • Hot glass looks same as cold glass. (Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers) 
  • The cigarette does the smoking - you are just the sucker. 
  • Someday is not a day of the week
 

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