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Sunday, February 10, 2013

Funny One Liners

  • When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't  talk for a year and a half. 
  • Join the army, see the world, meet interesting  people, and kill them. 
  • Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut  Up.' 
  • I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be  there when it happens. 
  • Always and never are two words you should  always remember never to use.
  • I've never been drunk, but often I've been  over served. 
  • The road to success is always under  construction. 
  • I say no to drugs -- they just don't listen! 
  • Marriage is one of the chief causes of  divorce. 
  • Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of  your time. 
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in  the wrong lane. 
  • Born free; Taxed to death.  
  • Everyone has a photographic memory; some  people just don't have film. 
  • Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first. 
  • Smile -- it makes people wonder what you're up to.  
  • I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork. 
  • A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case,  the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. 
  • The hardest part of skating is the ice. 
  • The guy who invented the first wheel was an  idiot; the guy who invented the other three, he was  the genius. 
  • The trouble with being punctual is that there's no one there to appreciate it. 
  • If our constitution allows us free speech, why  are there phone bills? 
  • If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars  in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure. 
  • Beat the 5 O'clock rush: leave work at noon! 
  • If you can't convince them, confuse them. 
  • It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end. 
  • I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 
  • Hot glass looks same as cold glass. (Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers) 
  • The cigarette does the smoking - you are just the sucker. 
  • Someday is not a day of the week

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