The answers to ASK GOD:
1. HUMAN: How did 4 middle eastern men end up with super white names like Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John?
GOD: Once again, those names have changed over time. Those are the names from the King James Bible. In 2000 years, the disciples will have names like Matheotrix, Markonicon, Lukrevaleous, and Jon.
2. HUMAN: God, why do you demand our foreskins?
GOD: So that man can prove his fealty to Me. Think about it. If a man will cut off a piece of his dick for you, you can probably trust him.
3. HUMAN: God, why did you put the male g-spot up the butt?
GOD: I am the LORD. I put the male g-spot up the butt to make sex feel amazing for gay men. Besides, if I put the g-spot on the penis, men would climax even faster than they already do and everyone would suffer.
4. HUMAN: I have a theory that Mary cheated on Joseph and used the God thing to cover it all up. Am I right?
GOD: Fuck no! Mary and the LORD righteously fornicated while Joseph lay passed out in the other room. Get over it already.
5. HUMAN: Why do Adam & Eve have belly buttons ?
GOD: HOW MANY TIMES WILL I BE ASKED THIS QUESTION?!! What do you want to hear?! OK! OK! FINE! Adam and Eve have belly buttons because I gave birth to them out of My Divine Rectum. After I birthed them I detached their umbilical cords. Never ask this question again!!
6. HUMAN: Remember that time I took a shit load of mushrooms, did we really hang out?
GOD: Yes, we hung out that night for a little while. Then the second mushroom you ate kicked in and you started freaking out. If I recall correctly, you went running off into that stormy night without shoes. Next time, only take one, ok? Only take one.
7. HUMAN: God, if you have everything already planned and make someone murder someone else and you send him to hell, doesn't that make you an asshole since it was your plan to begin with?
GOD: My Divine Plan only includes awesome things. Anything bad you should blame on free will. Or Satan. Satan, right? What a fucking douchebag asshole.
