When I got drunk before I drove !!

DRINK DRIVING WARNING !

Please share with your friends 

Last night I was out for a few drinks with the boys in town. One thing lead to another and I had way too many beers topped off with a couple of Jaegerbombs. Not a good idea!!

Knowing I was way over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before...I left my car in town and took a bus home. 

Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalizer tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived back at home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise..

I've never driven a bus before and I'm fucked if I know where I got it from or what I'm gonna do with it !

Women - Avoid Girls Nightouts !

Why women should avoid girls' night out once they are married !!


"The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home bymidnight, 'I promise!' 

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a..m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. 

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoosMIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. 

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

The Drunk and the Priest !

A drunken man who smelled of beer sat down in an underground train, next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and  a half empty bottle of GIN was sticking out of his coat pocket.  He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Father what causes Arthritis”??

The priest replies, “My son, its caused by loose living. Being with cheap and wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath”.

In response the drunk muttered,"I’m damned"and then returned to his newspaper. 

The priest thinking about what he has said, nudged the man and Apologised.  “I'm very sorry.  I didn't mean to come on you so strong.  How long have you had Arthritis??"

And the drunk man replied “I don't have it father. I was just reading that the POPE has”.

Jockey Tips the Winner Horse !

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a London casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Ascot that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.
In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch. He backed nothing.

After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4. 'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?’ she asked. 'It paid a fortune?'

'Shit', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was "scratched"....