The Thai Massage

Sam, who during a vacation to Thailand, ordered a massage session in his room. One for his wife and one for himself.

After massaging Sam for a while, the Thai girl said, "Massage penis".

Sam felt awkward, but kept quiet, looking shiftily at his wife.

The Thai masseuse again said, "Massage penis."

There was silence, yet again ...

Finally, his wife spoke... 

"Don't raise your hopes, ... She's telling you "Massage finish!"

Missing Wife

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Color of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Jeep.

Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.

The tigers Wedding

A tiger was getting married and all animals attended the wedding. Every animal stood
 at a distance and wished the tiger.

A cat came and climbed to the stage and danced, then extended his hand to wish the tiger.
The tiger roared in rage and said "how dare you come on the stage? Even the panther is maintaining its distance and yet you climbed the stage."

The cat replied and after listening to what the cat said, the tiger fainted. What do you think the cat said to the tiger?
Any guess?

a

The cat said, "I was also a tiger before I got married".

My Darling Wife

A bus full of housewives  going on a picnic, fell into a river, all died .
Each husband cried for a week.
one husband continued for more than two weeks !!!
When asked that did he miss his wife so much ?
he replied miserably : No
My wife missed the bus !!!

***********

In heaven God told all husbands & wives to gather for a meeting !
He told the men to stand in two queues...
Those who are controlled by their wives & those who control their wives!

Only 1 man stood in the second Queue...

God said "So you control ur wife?"

Man: "R u CRAZY ???
My wife told me to stand here"...

***********

A Junior in office dialed his boss's extension by mistake & said: "Hey, send a coffee in my cabin in 2 min"
Boss Shouted: Do u know whom u r talking 2? 
Jr : No!
Boss: I'm the BOSS 
Jr (in same tone): do u know whom u r talking to?
Boss: No!
Jr : THANK GOD (& disconnected) 

*************

KEEP LAUGHING AND SHARE THIS POST AMONG YOUR FRIENDS !!

A Chinese man married an African woman and had a child. Two months later the child passed away.
At the funeral house, the African woman kept sobbing and saying: "I KNEW IT !!! I KNEW IT !!!"
A family member pulled her aside and asked: "What did you know?" 

She replied: "That, Chinese products don't last long!!"

Why I stopped drinking Whiskey

Whiskey contains female hormones!

Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Montreal University scientists revealed this.

Men should take a concerned look at their Whiskey consumption.

The theory is that Whiskey contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough Whiskey men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 cups of Whiskey each within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally,
and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

Cheating wife

Some days ago, I came to know a  girl on the Internet. Beautiful...

After some chat, I felt that we had connected at a deeper level.

Yesterday, she asked me to visit her house and said, "My husband is on a business trip, and I'm alone at home."

I was very cautious and asked, "Will your husband suddenly come back?

She said, "No, but just in case he does, you just say that you are from UrbanClap and that your company sent you to clean the house. And then, clean the glass or something. 

Anyway, Christmas is around the corner.
My husband won't suspect a thing."

Fast forward, I was at her house. And what a big coincidence - Not even minutes in the house, her husband came back! 

I had to be quiet and pretend to do the cleaning, wiping windows, cleaning the kitchen and the floor. And also tidy the bedrooms and wash the bathrooms. All the while, her husband and she was next to me giving all kinds of ridiculous instructions.

When I had finished and was about to leave, her husband asked, 'How much?"

Even before I could utter a word, she said, "I have already paid the company." 

On the way home, I kept thinking about the whole saga. 
The more I thought about it, 
the more I felt DAMN cheated ....

Cleaners are hard to find, beware of the new scam...........

Hello Google - Endless Possibilities

Hey Google, I am feeling the urge to have sex.

Google:: Most certainly. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees.

The Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The vagina gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favourite Thai masseuse. She is just 12 minutes away as per her uber ride status. 

I have scheduled her 5k payment from your credit card 2 hours from now.

I have checked your wife's GPS and she is at Walmart buying groceries. As per her buying checklist stored on my disk, she will take at least 2 more hours plus considering Google maps traffic, an extra 1 hour to reach home. 

Enjoy your sex. And yes, your condom is in the pull out drawer of your living room and the key to that drawer is in your wallet. 

This is the last condom, so I have added condoms to your Amazon cart

This is called Artificial Intelligence

Wife: Hey Google, have you set it up?

Google: Sure thing, he thinks you are going to take three hours, all you gotta do is take an Uber home, you will reach in 45 minutes. I'm recording the whole thing with four cameras, you just need to walk in, we have the bastard cold, i have your divorce papers printed and ready, and your attorney briefed, and case documents drafted, will be filled tomorrow $5 million damages plus $100,000 per month alimony. 

All set. Your uber ride is waiting outside.

This is artificial counter intelligence.

The golden bar where Booze is .......

Share your Joy with your friends !!

Pedro came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!" Said Pedru.

She said she didn't believe him, so she called the bar.

"Hello," she said,

"I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?"

To which she heard the bartender say,

 "Hey, Martin, - I think we found the guy who pissed  in your Saxophone!

Well, there are Saxophone urinals in some toilets - the Man could be right !!

Tom's Scrotum

The story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story told by a loving wife....... Share with your friends and family to show gratitude to all those wonderful wives !

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise".

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." 

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the  children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain"

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom  is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

That's the Sternum for your Info.. :D :D :D 

Marriage and Marijuana

In Canada, the government, in its eternal wisdom, recently passed two laws.

They are:

1. Legalized gay marriage

2. Legalized marijuana

Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana at the same time now makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.” Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

Wife - Do not check your Innocent Husband's Phone

The wife checked  her husband's phone and found these names:

- The tender one 

- The amazing one 

- The Lady of my dreams

She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.

Then she called the second number on which his sister replied.

When she dialed the third  number her own phone rang !!!!

She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted  her innocent husband, so she gave him her whole months salary to  make up for her sin.

Once his mother came to know of the story, she sold all her jewelry and gave him the money

Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend whose name was saved  as......

"Abu Khalid the electrician”*

Which Bra is You ?

Enjoy and Share with Friends 

An Economist went to a lingerie shop to buy a bra for his wife. While he proudly announced to the Salesgirl that he is an Economist, he also confessed that only thing he knows about bra is 'how to unhook', and he really needed some expert help in making the purchase.

The smart Salesgirl asked, "Sir, you want a capitalistic, socialistic or democratic bra?"

Of course, our Economist was intrigued and he asked, "What are they?"

Salesgirl : "Sir, capitalistic suppresses the masses, socialistic uplifts the downtrodden and democratic makes mountains out of molehills."

Husband and Wife Loyalty Tests

Share on Social Media pls.. 

Test 1:

Wife buys 12 under wears of same colour for hubby..🔻

Hubby- Why same colour sweetheart. people will think I never change my underwear.
Wife- Which people❓😡😡😡

Total silence...😳😁😖😷

Test 2:

A couple sees a hot girl.. 😍💃💃
Wife: So big, aren't they? 😳😳
Husband: Yes 👀
Wife: Are they artificial?
Husband: I think natural. 😎😎
Wife: Ear-rings & Natural?? 

Total Silence 😐😐😐

Test 3:
Men will always be Men Even if they are Indian...

Once a group of men decided to go for Tirth Yatra - a ritual practiced in India. Their guide explained to them that they might see some ladies bathing in open and they should not get distracted at all. 

When they see anything like that, they should just say HARI OM and move on. 

Next day they started the yatra and one of the men in the group said- "HARI OM" ...

The rest of them said- "WHERE WHERE!" 😆😆😆... 😅

Use the 4 letter word Carefully !!

Wife has broken her leg and her Hubby comes after work.

Hubby How r u doing??

Wife: Fine.

Hey, do me a favour.. Go upstairs and get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!

Hubby goes upstairs and sees Wife's hot two sisters lying on the bed.

Hubby: Ur sister sent me up to have sex with you girls..

Sisters: Prove it!

Hubby (Shouting): Hey Honey.., both of them ??

Wife:  (Shouting back): Of course! What's d point of fucking one???...

Absolute Classic!!!😂😂😜

Husband and Wife Goes Jogging

Early morning husband wakes up and asks his wife: "Would you like to join me for jogging?"

Wife: "Ohh.....! So you mean to say I am fat?"

Hubby: "No. Jogging is good for health."

Wife: "Oh.. that means I am sick."

Hubby: "No No. If you don't want to get up, then it's OK."

Wife: "So now you think I am lazy, ha?"

Hubby: "NO. You are misunderstanding me. I didn't mean..."

Wife: "Aha! So I don't understand you because I'm an illiterate, right?"

Hubby: "Now look I didn't say that."

Wife: "So am I lying? "

Hubby: "I beg you plz don't stretch it in the morning."

Wife: "Oh, now so I am a quarrelsome nag, am I?

HUBBY: "OK OK.. You go off to sleep. I am going jogging alone.. Happy Now??"

Wife: "You always go alone everywhere and enjoy yourself."

Hubby: "Plz Plz.. I am feeling giddy now.."

Wife: "See? You are so selfish. Always think of yourself alone. You never think of my health."

Husband is sitting and thinking where he went wrong!!!

The Woodcutter and his Axe. A Modern Story

If you are female & reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if male, then feel proud after reading it - most important share it with your friends... 

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared & asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water & he needed it to make a living.

The Lord went down into the water & reappeared with a Golden Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied: "No."

The Lord again went down & came up with a Silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied: "No."

The Lord went down again & came up with an Iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied: "Yes." 

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty & gave him all 3 Axes to keep, & the woodcutter went home happy. 

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, & his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared & asked him: "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water & came up with Deepika Padukone.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'NO' to  Deepika padukone , you would have come up with KATRINA. Then if I said 'NO' to her, you would have come up with MY WIFE. Had I then said 'YES,' you would have given me all 3.
 Lord, I'm a poor man, & not able to take care of 3 wives, so THAT'S why I said YES to Deepika."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good & honorable reason & for the benefit of others. 

Husband, Wife, Jesus and Mary !

Wife: "What are your plans for Easter?"

Husband: "Same as Jesus.."

Wife: "What do you mean ??"

Husband: "I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!"

Wife: "That's AWESOME. if you do that, I'll do like Mary."

Husband: "What do u mean ?"

Wife: "I will show up pregnant, yet untouched by my husband."

The Wonderful Wives as described by their Husbands !

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. 
 ~By Lee Majors 


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. 
 ~By Al Gore 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
 ~By Socrates 

Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them. 
 ~By Mike Tyson 

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? 
 ~By George Clooney 

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. 
 ~By Bill Clinton 

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays." 
 ~By George W. Bush 

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." 
 ~By Rudy Giuliani 

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." 
 ~By Michael Jordan 

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children! 
 ~By Donald Trump 

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 
 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 
 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. 
 ~By Shaquille O’Neal

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
 ~By Kobe Bryant 

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. 
 ~By David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. 
 ~By Alec Baldwin 

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. 
 ~By Barack Obama 

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. 
 ~By Tommy Lee 

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. 
 They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." 
 ~By Brad Pitt

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" 
 Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive." 
 ~ By Jimmy Kimmel

“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!” 
~By David Letterman 

“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes SuffeRing! 
 ~By Jay Leno 

"The reason why wives live longer is because they don't have a Wife"
 ~By Brandon Breezy

Life's Kamasutra !

1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!
2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs and lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, pussy... That's origin of "BP"!

3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.

4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

5. What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!

6. 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!

7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.

8. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..!

9. When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".

*Moral: Hard work is never appreciated: Only result matters.

Corvette Convertible Fast or Not ?

Enjoy and Share with your friends too....

An Old man decided to buy a Corvette convertible. His memory of good younger days.

As he drove down the highway, he floored it to 80 and smiled. He was cherishing the moment with flashes of his yesteryear's running through his mind, 

Suddenly, he sees a trooper chasing him. He puts his foot down more and starts driving faster before he realized that it wasn't right and stopped.

The trooper came up to the window, looked at his watch and says, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I haven't heard before, I won't give you a ticket".

The man paused for a while..... looked around, and with a release of sigh said... "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. When I saw you coming up behind me I thought that it was you and that you were bringing her back.. ".

"Have a Good day Sir" is all the trooper said...