Naming Twins

A woman had twin babies and fell into a coma immediately after due to complecations.

A couple of weeks later she finally wakes up and asks the doctor, “Where is my baby?!”

The doctor replies, “They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl.

Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother named them.”

The woman looked concerned, as her brother wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.  “Oh no.  What did he name them?”

“He named the girl Denise,” The doctor replies.

The woman, relieved, “Well, that’s not so bad.  What about the boy?”
“Denephew.”

Surviving the Dessert

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.

'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied, lifted his robe, and almost immediately he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert this in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Then stick the darn thing in the camel's arse and give it life!'

Marvelous Instrument designed to be used on a woman

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor ?

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I am afraid they will confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps ?

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

"With your  face, Father, no one will question you"

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous Instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.."

Roaring with laughter, the official said,
"Go ahead, Father.
Next Pls..."

I am Coming too !

Share your laughter with your friends.... Let's share on social media friends.. 

Little Musa comes to school with a black eye regularly. The teacher notices this and thinks of having a chat with little Musa. 


TEACHER: What's wrong?

MUSA : Our house is very small.

MUSA: My mum, my dad and I, we all sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, Musa r u sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a Black eye"

Teacher: Tonight when ur dad asks again, keep dead quiet. don't answer. The following morning Musa comes back with a severe black eye again.

Teacher: My goodness why the black eye again?

Musa : Dad asked me again, Musa are you sleeping? I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad and my mom started moving, u know, at the same time Mum was breathing like a Christmas chicken, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed. 

Then my dad asked my mum, R u coming? Mum said, Yes I'm coming, r u coming too? Dad answered:- Yes. 

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me, I'm coming tooo 😂

Why Condoms are packed in 3's, 6's and 12's

Share with your friends Please !!






A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy Asks, “What are these, Dad?” To which, the man Matter-of-fact replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “I’ve heard of That in health class at school.”


He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, Why are there 3 in this package?” The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday..”
“Cool” says the boy… He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?"
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers. “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.” “WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then, who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March….up to December”
The boy replied; “I am not getting married!!!!” lol......

Italian Mafia and Godfather !

                                               
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he
would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what
you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol,
puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win!
The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed
at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

Father, Mother and Son Affair

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love& want to date this awesome girl!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".
Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you
must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father : "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother
crying.

Son : "Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your
Father."!!!

Son Fainted...!!!

Pakistani Johnny in USA School

A Pakistani Boy took admission in an American school

Teacher : What's your name ?
Boy : Nadir Teacher
Teacher : No, new you are in America, your name is Johnny from today.

Boy went home and started a general conversation with his mother on how things turned out that day and then the name change topic pops up... 

Mother : How was the day Nadir ?
Boy :  I am American now, So please call me Johnny.

The dad over heard the conversation and the argument that followed ended up with the boy getting beaten by both the parents.

The next day he was back at school all bruised...

Teacher : what happened Johnny ??
Boy : Madam, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani Terrorists. 

Family Matters Solved !

Technical Difference
1.between Welding and Wedding ..
In Welding there are Sparks first and Bonding Forever, whereas...
in Wedding there is Bonding first and Sparks Forever ...

2. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
You can be sure of one thing;
Either the car is new or the wife.

3. What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.

4. Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack our driver ran away...

5. A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that is confidential !!!

The Drunk and the Priest !

A drunken man who smelled of beer sat down in an underground train, next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and  a half empty bottle of GIN was sticking out of his coat pocket.  He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Father what causes Arthritis”??

The priest replies, “My son, its caused by loose living. Being with cheap and wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath”.

In response the drunk muttered,"I’m damned"and then returned to his newspaper. 

The priest thinking about what he has said, nudged the man and Apologised.  “I'm very sorry.  I didn't mean to come on you so strong.  How long have you had Arthritis??"

And the drunk man replied “I don't have it father. I was just reading that the POPE has”.

No Laughing matter

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'

The priest fainted.

Funny Dating on Internet !

Girl: Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Ghana and he lives in UK.We met on a dating website, became friends on facebook, had long chats on whatsapp,he proposed to me on skype, and now we've had 2 months of relationship through viber.I need ur blessings and good wishes daddy ..................

Dad said: Wow! Really!! then get married on twitter, have fun on tango. Buy your kids on e-bay, send them thru gmail. And if you are fed up with your husband.... sell him on amazon.......

Sexy Nuns get caught often !

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone ...

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun said dreamily, 'I've been saved.'

'Saved? and how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly ...

Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the key to heaven fit my lock, the portals of heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace, and then Father John guided his key to heaven into my lock.' 

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy ... And it did, it felt so good being saved.'

'That wicked old bastard, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!