My Wife !

We had a power outage at our house this morning....

My PC, laptop, TV, DVD, i Pad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.
 

She seems like a nice person..
 

Politicians are Cows !

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

Thanksgiving Funny !

Preparing your Thanksgiving day dinner? Here is how you prepare your Turkey !

Top 10 Songs in the Arab World !

OK - another Arab Funny.. I am going to get bombed one of these days by Achmeth !

The top 10 songs played on 95.8 Kabul FM on Sunday....

1. Losing my religion - REM (Raving Edict Mullah mix)

2. Unchained Mullahdy - The Self Righteous Brothers

3. Aid Drops Keep Falling on my Head - Johnny Farnham

4. Living on a Prayer mat - TaliBon Jovi

5. Tented love - Soft (Terrorist) Cell

6. Do you really want to shoot me? - Boy George Bush & Capture Club

7. Rockin Allah-ver the World - Status Quaeda

8. I'm too extremist for my turban - Right Said Mullah Omar

9. The Ayatollah Skank - Fatwa Boy Slim

10. (Come up and find me) Mecca me smile -Grand Wizard of KKK


And the 5 Most popular among Oldies was

The Grateful Dead - Yesarafat
What a Bomba-ful World - Loose Armstoned
Oops Bombed - SNAP
I get droned about you - Damn Hartman
Hey Mr. Taliban - US Army !

Handling Introverts !!!

Who are introverts? How do we treat them and how do we need to treat them?

 

Are Cowardly Ass Holes that Hide Behind Bushes and Kill innocent animals Introverts? Not in my opinion... They truly are Ass Holes !

They who are the??

Are they the ones who see no wrong in what they do but fail to see the rational behind the misdeed done? Not again !

This is what an Introvert is !!

Scratching Balls !

 

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Young Girl in Hotel

Once an attractive young lady decides to celebrate her birthday by staying at a Luxury hotel.

The next day when the lady is checking out of the hotel, they give her a bill for $250/-. She is taken aback looking at the bill and starts fighting at the desk on such a big bill. The Manager comes in to end the ruckus with a customer.

He says ''Mam, we have so many facilities for our customer to use Free of cost such as Spa, Swimming pool, Gym etc., so that's why all the charges are included in it.''

The lady replies, but I have not used it, so why should i pay.

Manager says - That's your fault, but you have to pay.

The lady finally hands him over a cheque for $50.

The manager says this is only $50 what about the balance $200.

The lady replies, $200 for you sleeping and using me in the night.

Manager - But i haven't slept with you.

Lady - That's your fault, I was here full night and you could have used me, if you didn't, that's your fault.

 

Black Testicles?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Sexy Nuns get caught often !

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone ...

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun said dreamily, 'I've been saved.'

'Saved? and how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly ...

Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the key to heaven fit my lock, the portals of heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace, and then Father John guided his key to heaven into my lock.' 

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy ... And it did, it felt so good being saved.'

'That wicked old bastard, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

 

Orgy at the Great Gatsby !

A teacher, during a casual conversation with one of her students, was amazed to hear that, there was an orgy scene in The Great Gatsby. But, she did not have no recollection of it. 

This is how the conversation ended.... 

Student 1 : Seriously, you don't remember that party scene when they were all together and sweaty and stuff ?

Teacher : But how could they have been having an orgy when they were all clothed?

Another Student across the table hears the conversation and decides to add his 2 cents to the topic.

Student 2 : You can have an orgy clothed...it's called a clergy.

 

 

 

Female Logic - always wrong !

For Sale: A Wedding Dress, Size 8. Once worn by Mistake.

Every Wife Is A ' Mistress" For Her Husband.
"Miss" For One Hour & "Stress" For the Rest 23 Hours..!.

There Are Two Times When A Man Doesn't Understand: A Woman - Before Marriage And After Marriage.

My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, And I Didn't.

Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet
Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In
& Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.

Why Were Hurricanes Usually Named After Women?
Because When They Arrive, They're Wet And Wild,
But when They Go, They Take Your House And Car..

Text Messaging
Husband Sends The Following Message To His Wife:
My Love,
If You're Sleeping, Send Me Your Dreams.
If You're Smiling, Send Me Your Smile.
If You're Crying, Send Me Your Tears.
I Love You.
Wife Texed Back :
I'm In The Toilet,
What Should I Send You? 

 
Whiskey Is A Brilliant Invention.
One Double And You Start Feeling Single Again

Ten Commandments of Marriage !

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning. 

Commandment 2 
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. 

Commandment 3 
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand! 

Commandment 4 
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. 
 

Commandment 5 
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. 

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 

Commandment 7 
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said .  After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. 

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. 

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste. 

Commandment 10 
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. 

BONUS STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'