Naming Twins

A woman had twin babies and fell into a coma immediately after due to complecations.

A couple of weeks later she finally wakes up and asks the doctor, “Where is my baby?!”

The doctor replies, “They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl.

Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother named them.”

The woman looked concerned, as her brother wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.  “Oh no.  What did he name them?”

“He named the girl Denise,” The doctor replies.

The woman, relieved, “Well, that’s not so bad.  What about the boy?”
“Denephew.”

Funny signs

Signboard outside Heaven:

"Lying naked with somebody in bed and screaming Oh God...Oh God.... will not be considered as prayers"

Signboard outside a Prayer Hall:

" Please Do Not Leave Your Bags, Wallets, Cell Phones Unattended.. Others Might Think Those Are The Answers To Their Prayers."

Signboard outside a prostitute's house..

" Married MEN are not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy.."

Signboard outside A Bar:

" Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance "

Signboard outside Driving School:

" If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way....."

Signboard outside Library:

"Statutory Warning... While reading Kamasutra, please hold the book with BOTH Hands.."

Why I stopped drinking Whiskey

Whiskey contains female hormones!

Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Montreal University scientists revealed this.

Men should take a concerned look at their Whiskey consumption.

The theory is that Whiskey contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough Whiskey men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 cups of Whiskey each within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally,
and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

Funny Answers in Court of Law

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in Court, word for word, taken down and now published by Court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
__________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS : Did you actually pass the law exam?
__________

ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS : He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_________

ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS : Are you serious.
__________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS : Yes.

ATTORNEY : How many were boys?

WITNESS : None.

ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?

WITNESS : Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________

ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS : By death.

ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS : Take a guess.
__________

ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS : Unless the Circus was in town,  I'm going with male.
__________

ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS : All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
__________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS : If not, he was by the time I finished.
__________

And the best for the last..

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
🤣🤣🤣

Short Dirty Jokes !

Six Laughs to Share with your friends !!


Number 1: 

A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's nipples while she was asleep. The next day their driver died of poisoning. ****
💉

Number 2: 

A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His son asked his Dad why. He answered, "so that when I am dead, no one will sleep with your mum." ****
👙

Number 3:  

A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband. Maid said "sir. you are my witness you know I never wear panties!"
****
🔩

Number 4: 

Couple is having a quickie and their 6 year old catches them. "What are you doing?" Asks the son. 

Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." 

Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is consuming too  much petrol, cause Uncle Pedro, just filled her tank yesterday evening!" Mother fainted!!!!
****
💵🍺

Number 5: 

A man went to the pub with his wife. 
When he left for the counter to buy drinks a prostitute approached his wife & whispered, "You must DEMAND cash before sex, I know him he doesn't pay. ****
🍼🎱

Number 6: 

An 8 year old boy is accused of rape. In court his lady lawyer holds his dick out as evidence saying, "Your Honour see this, can he rape with this tiny tot?

"The boy whispers, "Don't shake it, we'll lose the case!" ****
📭

Now that you've smiled, don't be stingy with the smiles, share them With 6 friends for 6 Laugh

What Sperms are made Of !!

MBBS Professor:
The Sperm is made up of Fructose , the same material Sugar is made of.

A Girl raised her hand:
"Then why doesn't it
taste like Sugar?" 

Suddenly silence in hall.


Girl:Oops. 😳😮😮😮


Then Professor's reply was also a Medical master piece:

My dear, 
Thats because, the taste buds are located on the tip of your Tongue and not at the end of your Throat

😂😂
Killer .........!

Marriage and Marijuana

In Canada, the government, in its eternal wisdom, recently passed two laws.

They are:

1. Legalized gay marriage

2. Legalized marijuana

Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana at the same time now makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.” Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

Lady Pilots Gone Wrong !!

Enjoy and Share with your Friends !!

If girls were pilots 😂
Girl.. "Hello control tower, this is flight ✈ 365.. We have a problem." 😲
Control tower.. "What is the problem?" 😵
Girl.. "Nothing.".😕
Control tower.. " Please tell us the problem! "
Girl.. "Naah leave it."😕
Control tower.. " Tell us please! "
Girl... "Nothing, i'm fine.. You cannot understand."😕😏
Control tower.. "For God's sake pilot please tell us the problem!" 😵

Girl.. "Just leave me alone." 😢
Control tower.. "Ohh you maniac mad girl, there are 200 passengers aboard in plane." ✈ 😡😡
Girl.. Yeahh, nobody cares for me 😢 You also only care for those 200 passengers.. I don't wanna talk to you.. Nooo 😏😂

Aussie and Maori

Share with your friends too !!

An Aussie and a Maori walk in to a bakery.

The Aussie steals three pastries and slips them into his pocket. He turns to the Maori and says, "Pretty slick aye bro ?, the owner didn't even see me".

Unimpressed, the Maori replies, "Typical dishonest Aussie... Bro ! I'm Gonna show you the honest way and still get the same result"...

The Maori calls out to the owner of the shop and says.. "Bro ! I want to show you a magic trick" 

Intrigues the owner obliges. 

The Maori asked him for a pastry and he eats it. He asks for another and he eats that too. Then he asks for another and eats that too....

By now the owner says, "C'mon mate, there is the magic trick?"

The Maori replies "Now check his pockets" pointing to the Aussie !!!!

When Pilots Go Nuts

Please do share with your friends - straight off an FB feed cause it's too funny not to share on a funny blog.

Italian Mafia and Godfather !

                                               
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he
would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what
you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol,
puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win!
The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed
at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

The Wonderful Wives as described by their Husbands !

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. 
 ~By Lee Majors 


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. 
 ~By Al Gore 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
 ~By Socrates 

Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them. 
 ~By Mike Tyson 

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? 
 ~By George Clooney 

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. 
 ~By Bill Clinton 

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays." 
 ~By George W. Bush 

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." 
 ~By Rudy Giuliani 

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." 
 ~By Michael Jordan 

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children! 
 ~By Donald Trump 

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 
 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 
 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. 
 ~By Shaquille O’Neal

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
 ~By Kobe Bryant 

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. 
 ~By David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. 
 ~By Alec Baldwin 

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. 
 ~By Barack Obama 

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. 
 ~By Tommy Lee 

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. 
 They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." 
 ~By Brad Pitt

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" 
 Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive." 
 ~ By Jimmy Kimmel

“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!” 
~By David Letterman 

“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes SuffeRing! 
 ~By Jay Leno 

"The reason why wives live longer is because they don't have a Wife"
 ~By Brandon Breezy

Golfers and their Balls !

(Please share among friends)

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see The sign?  It says, 'Private Property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it.  That's my ball over There.  May I have it, please?"

The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."

The golfer looks at the man and says, "I think I understand"

He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, Then walks back and throws it into the yard as well.
The man says, "What did you do that for?"
The golfer replies...

"I consider myself a Gentleman,and I Believe every prick should have two balls."

Doctors Day Out Hunting !

Five doctors went on a duck hunt. A GP, a Physician, a Radiologist, a Surgeon and a Pathologist.

After a while, a bird came winging overhead. 

The GP raised his shotgun, but, didn't shoot and said "I think it's a duck, but, needs a second opinion.. So I will let the physician shoot.. "

The Physician also raised his gun and said.. " It's a duck... but, the other possibilities should be considered such as a hypertrophied sparrow or an atrophied Ostrich.. "

Radiologist quickly scanned the situation and mumbled.."It can be a duck, a sparrow or and Ostrich or even a hen.. however, please correlate clinically.."

The surgeon was the only one who shot.. Boom.. !! 

He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said "Go and confirm whether its a duck"

The Pathologist slowly and carefully approached the bird and said...

"Specimen Inadequate..."

Keeping Family Safe !

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.

So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.

I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in its center.

Now, the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard,MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365.

My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day.

So no one bothers me at all.

I've never felt safer.

The Isis Crisis !