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Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 7, 2020

Coincidence it is ...




Man In Bar Orders Tiger Beer.

Lady Next To Him - What a coincidence, I am having Tiger Beer too. 🍺

Man - I'm celebrating.

Lady - Me too.

Man - What a coincidence ! Why are you celebrating ?

Lady - My husband & I have tried 4 years for a baby. Today I'm pregnant!


Man - What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn't lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs!

Lady - Wow! How did that happen?

Man - I used a different cock 🐓

Lady smiled and said

WHAT A COINCIDENCE !!!

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Marriage and Marijuana






In Canada, the government, in its eternal wisdom, recently passed two laws.

They are:

1. Legalized gay marriage

2. Legalized marijuana

Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana at the same time now makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.” Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!


Saturday, December 5, 2015

The Escaped Prisoner !



A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Family Matters Solved !



Technical Difference
1.
between Welding and Wedding ..
In Welding there are Sparks first and Bonding Forever, whereas...
in Wedding there is Bonding first and Sparks Forever ...

2. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
You can be sure of one thing;
Either the car is new or the wife.

3. What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.

4. Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack
our driver ran away...




5. A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that is confidential !!!

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

BEST MARRIAGE COUNCILOR EVER !






Betty had convinced herself that she was unhappily married…! After much introspection, she ultimately confronted her loving husband Bob with the suggestion that they seek marriage guidance counselling. After 25 years of matrimony, she felt the magic had gone from their marriage. Bob’s real passion had become Lawn Bowls and no longer her! Ever willing to please, Bob conceded.

After introductions and pleasantries and being seated in the handsome young guidance councillor’s very comfortably furnished rooms, he turned solemnly to Betty and enquired of her what she felt the problem was. Betty launched unreservedly into a passionate, painful tirade… listing every personal problem she perceived she and Bob had ever encountered in their 25 years of married life. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. 

Finally, after allowing the oratory to continue for an ample length of time, the analyst arose, walked around the desk, looked pensively at Betty and after asking her to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, placed his large, soft, warm hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, whilst kissing her passionately, as her bemused husband Bob watched with interest!


Highly aroused, Betty was finally speechless. Blushing profusely, she buttoned up her blouse and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of the councilors attentive actions.

The councilor returned to his seat, sat down, turned to Bob, looked him square in the eyes and calmly said: 'Bob, this is what your wife needs, at least three times a week…can you do this?'

Bob thought pensively for a moment and then replied enthusiastically, 'Well yes, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays…...But on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays I play bowls!

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Best marriage jokes !




(1) Put your wife in a room & lock it.
      Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!
      Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & see who is Happy to see you, and who will BITE you ! 
(Group members are advised not to try this at home as these stunts were performed by professionals; who are now divorced; and living happily with their dog!!) 
 
Don't laugh loud ----  
The extended version says... 




 
2) Put your husband in a room & lock it.
    Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!
    Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & you will be happy to see your dog waiting for you.. but you'll be angry looking at your husband sleeping like he never slept before!!! 
 

3) Always keep your spouse’s picture as mobile screen saver.
   Whenever you face a problem, see the picture & say:
   "if I can handle this, I can handle anything!"… Superb Attitude for Life!!  
 

(4) If wife wants husband’s attention, she just has to look sad & uncomfortable.
     If husband wants wife’s attention, he just has to look comfortable & happy.  
 
(5) A Philosopher HUSBAND said:- "Every WIFE is a ‘Mistress’ of her Husband…
     “Miss” for first year & “Stress” for rest of the life…"!!!!  
 

(6) Million Dollar Truth:
     If Saturday and Sunday doesn't excite you, then change your Friends.
     If Monday doesn't motivate you, then change your profession.
     If Monday is too exciting, and you are dying to get to work, then you should     

     
change your spouse!! 



 
(7) Do you remember the tingling feeling when you took the decision to get married? That was common sense leaving your body.

 
(8)Generally a man does not go to the place again where he has been cheated once…
But many people still go to their in-laws place..????
 
(9) Pappu: Dad, l got selected for a role in a play for annual day!
     Dad: What role are you playing?
    Pappu: A husband!
     Dad: Stupid, ask for a role with dialogues!
 
(10) Man outside phone booth: “Excuse me you are holding phone since 29 minutes and you haven’t spoken a word”.
     Man inside: “I am talking to my wife” 


 
(11) A very intelligent girl was asked the meaning of marriage..
       She said- “sacrificing the admiration of hundred guys, to face the criticism of one idiot”
 
(12) Position of a husband is just like a Split AC, No matter how loud he is outdoor, He is designed to remain silent indoor!
 
(13) Best one line ad by a married man on OLX:
      "For Sale – Wedding Suit, used only once by Mistake……" 

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Ten Commandments of Marriage !





Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning. 


Commandment 2 

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. 

Commandment 3 
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand! 

Commandment 4 
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. 

 



Commandment 5 
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. 

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 


Commandment 7 
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said .  After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. 

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. 

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste. 


Commandment 10 

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. 



BONUS STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'

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