Naming Twins

A woman had twin babies and fell into a coma immediately after due to complecations.

A couple of weeks later she finally wakes up and asks the doctor, “Where is my baby?!”

The doctor replies, “They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl.

Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother named them.”

The woman looked concerned, as her brother wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.  “Oh no.  What did he name them?”

“He named the girl Denise,” The doctor replies.

The woman, relieved, “Well, that’s not so bad.  What about the boy?”
“Denephew.”

A funny from Sri Lanka !

A Sri Lankan Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in US so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100

A American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...

Lawyer :  "I have lost my sense of taste"

Lankan doctor :  "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth"

Lawyer :  "Ugh..this is kerosene"

Lankan doctor :  "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20"

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...

Lawyer :  "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything"

Lankan doctor :  "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth"

Lawyer (annoyed) :  "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste"

Lankan doctor : "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20"

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer :  "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all "

Lankan doctor :  "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100"

Lawyer (staring at the note) : "But this is $20, not $100"

Lankan doctor :  "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

You can't beat  Sri Lankan’s !!!!! 😂😂😂😂😂

Don't know who wrote this.. Hats off to him......

The Doctor, Teacher or Student - High-school Reunion !!

Please share with friends.. 

Absolutely brilliant joke.  After a long time, i could really relish an intelligent joke :
Reunion Special: Read it😀😊😬😳

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.". Well . . . you'll love this one..The stuff is from a lady called Archana

"My name is Archana. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended St Xavier's high school.

"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1987. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!!!!", I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then,
that
ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled faced,
gray-haired,
decrepit,
idiot,
asked,

"What subject did you teach" ?"

The Nun and the Gynecologist

A nun went to a Gynecologist.

Doctor: “What is the problem?”

Nun: “Something, is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina.”

Doctor checked and said: “Those aren’t postage stamps dear. They’re stickers pasted on the bananas imported from Costa Rica...”.

Mental Asylum

Rod and Kate were both patients in a mental hospital..

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Rod suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Kate promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Kate's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Kate the news she said: 'Kate, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is that Rod hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Kate replied (you'll love this) .
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..

'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry'

Head Nurse still recovering!!!
😂😂😂

Doctors Day Out Hunting !

Five doctors went on a duck hunt. A GP, a Physician, a Radiologist, a Surgeon and a Pathologist.

After a while, a bird came winging overhead. 

The GP raised his shotgun, but, didn't shoot and said "I think it's a duck, but, needs a second opinion.. So I will let the physician shoot.. "

The Physician also raised his gun and said.. " It's a duck... but, the other possibilities should be considered such as a hypertrophied sparrow or an atrophied Ostrich.. "

Radiologist quickly scanned the situation and mumbled.."It can be a duck, a sparrow or and Ostrich or even a hen.. however, please correlate clinically.."

The surgeon was the only one who shot.. Boom.. !! 

He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said "Go and confirm whether its a duck"

The Pathologist slowly and carefully approached the bird and said...

"Specimen Inadequate..."

Good Medical Advice

Love this Japanese Doctor!
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Young Lady at Dentist !

ALICE WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR HER FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. SHE NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, SHE REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED GUY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN HER SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT SHE HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN, SHE WONDERED?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, SHE QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN HER CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED HER TEETH, SHE ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' ALICE ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' ALICE EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ALICE CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ARSED,
GREY HAIRED,
DECREPIT,
BASTARD ASKED..

'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?

PROSTATE PROBLEMS!!!

NO WONDER SO MANY OLDER GUYS RECKON THEY HAVE
PROSTATE PROBLEMS!!!

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
 
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,  '99'.

The old guy obeys and says, "99".
 

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
 

Again, the old guy says, ''99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
 

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis  to keep it out of the way. 

Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins,
"One....
  two…
  three…"

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing!

No Laughing matter

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'

The priest fainted.

Black Testicles?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Fuck a Duck !!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. 

"£150!"she cried, £150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."