The Rich Friend

I went to see a friend from a very rich family. The maid approached me and asked.

MAID:      What would u like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?
ME:       Tea pls.
MAID:    Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea?
ME:     Ceylon Tea pls.
MAID:      How do U want it, black or white?
ME:    White....
MAID:     Milk or fresh cream?
ME:     With milk.
MAID:   Goat milk or cow milk?
ME:     Cow’s milk.
MAID: Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?
ME:    Uhm, lemme go with d freezeland cow.
MAID:     Would U like it with sweetner, sugar or honey?
ME:      Sugar.
MAID:     Bee sugar or cane sugar?
ME:     Cane sugar
MAID:    White, brown or yellow sugar?
ME:     Aiyo! forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water...
MAID:  Mineral, tap or distilled water?
ME:     Mineral water.
MAID:  Flavored or non flavored?
ME:     Infact, get me an empty glass!
MAID:     Do you want a tumbler, wine glass, champagne flute or a beer mug?
ME:   Free me, I will  swallow my spit..."

Weight Loss Program 5 days 5 lbs

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week

What to tell and What not to tell at Job Interviews !

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A boss interviewed 4 girls for a secretarial position .....
He asked the same question to each one of them.

Boss: "A woman normally has lips in 2 different places. What's the difference between the two?

First Girl: "One is hairy, the other isn't " .....Boss: "OK.. good!"

Second Girl: One can talk but the other can't ".... Boss: "that's better!"

Third Girl: "One is vertical & the other is horizontal "..... Boss: "Hmm.. clever!"

Last Girl: "One is for me & the other is for my Boss ".

Boss: "You are hired !🤪

Which Bra is You ?

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An Economist went to a lingerie shop to buy a bra for his wife. While he proudly announced to the Salesgirl that he is an Economist, he also confessed that only thing he knows about bra is 'how to unhook', and he really needed some expert help in making the purchase.

The smart Salesgirl asked, "Sir, you want a capitalistic, socialistic or democratic bra?"

Of course, our Economist was intrigued and he asked, "What are they?"

Salesgirl : "Sir, capitalistic suppresses the masses, socialistic uplifts the downtrodden and democratic makes mountains out of molehills."

Smart Boss or Dumb Secretary ?

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A boss said to his secretary "I want to have SEX with U. I will make it very FAST. I'll throw $1,000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be DONE."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. 

Her boyfriend then said 2 her, do it but "Ask him for $2,000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." 

So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" 

She responds,"The Bastard used COINS, I'm still PICKING and he is still fucking!!!

Boyfriend fainted..

Little Johnny and Teacher !

Johnny was always lucky to get the sexiest looking teachers who dressed up in a revealing manner. Sadly though, they were also pretty strict on the poor little bastards. 

One day, the teacher was looking so sexy and bubbly, all students in the class were turned on...

One guy, Peter was caught smiling...

Teacher - Why are you smiling Peter?

Peter - I saw a strap of your bra

Teacher - GET OUT..... No classes for you for a week...

A while later, the teacher hears Jason go "WOW"...

Teacher - What's up Jason ?

Jason - I saw both your bra Starps..

Teacher - GET OUT... No classes for you for a month..

She was furious with the kids she turned swiftly towards the board and in the process dropped the marker pen. She bends to pick it up and little Johnny get's up from his seat with the biggest grin and starts walking away from the class. 

Teacher - Johnny, where do you think you are going ?

Johnny - With what I saw, my school days are over...  

Total Family Crisis

I was dreaming of fishing by the lake and then this happened !!

Actually, it is this picture that pissed her off even more !

 On another note...

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo — she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

Oklahoma !

How do you pronounce Oklahoma?
Do you think it's correct?

There is a right way and a wrong way
to pronounce Oklahoma.

If you say OK...LAHOMA
You're WRONG.

The proper way is:
OKLA...HOMA.  
There's a gap between
the 'a' and the 'h'.

I can prove it!   




 Scroll Down !

Diamond Bracelet at Harrods !

A woman walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. 

He politely greets lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing and uncomfortable, but, still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', She asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

Young Girl in Hotel

Once an attractive young lady decides to celebrate her birthday by staying at a Luxury hotel.

The next day when the lady is checking out of the hotel, they give her a bill for $250/-. She is taken aback looking at the bill and starts fighting at the desk on such a big bill. The Manager comes in to end the ruckus with a customer.

He says ''Mam, we have so many facilities for our customer to use Free of cost such as Spa, Swimming pool, Gym etc., so that's why all the charges are included in it.''

The lady replies, but I have not used it, so why should i pay.

Manager says - That's your fault, but you have to pay.

The lady finally hands him over a cheque for $50.

The manager says this is only $50 what about the balance $200.

The lady replies, $200 for you sleeping and using me in the night.

Manager - But i haven't slept with you.

Lady - That's your fault, I was here full night and you could have used me, if you didn't, that's your fault.

 

Funny Weather Report Post !

Ever wonder why god does not allow much rain in the Middle East ??

Well, here is the reason - Proof that god keeps a track and knows when his creations are misused !!

Sexy Nuns get caught often !

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone ...

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun said dreamily, 'I've been saved.'

'Saved? and how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly ...

Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the key to heaven fit my lock, the portals of heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace, and then Father John guided his key to heaven into my lock.' 

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy ... And it did, it felt so good being saved.'

'That wicked old bastard, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!