Naughty Norbert

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Little Norbert was kicked out of Maths class by his teacher. Apparently, "mouthwash" wasn't the right answer for the question "what comes after 69?"

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In a job interview with an international NGO fighting for equal rights . Norbert was asked how he views Lesbian relationships ? He was kicked out. Apparently *"In Full HD"*wasn't the right answer 

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Teacher:- Complete the sentence. "If my cup is only half full.. Little Norbert :- "Maybe you need a smaller Bra !! Teacher:- GET OUT!!! 

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During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class, "Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys? Little Norbert raised his hand and replied, "That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down." The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?" Little Norbert countered by saying, "That's because girls get boobs, and they are heavier than the guys' balls." 
Seems logical to me also. I don't know why he was thrown out the class again ........ !!  

Poor Norbert! 

Funny Answers in Court of Law

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in Court, word for word, taken down and now published by Court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
__________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS : Did you actually pass the law exam?
__________

ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS : He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_________

ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS : Are you serious.
__________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS : Yes.

ATTORNEY : How many were boys?

WITNESS : None.

ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?

WITNESS : Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________

ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS : By death.

ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS : Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS : Unless the Circus was in town,  I'm going with male.
__________

ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS : All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS : If not, he was by the time I finished.
__________

And the best for the last..

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
🤣🤣🤣

Short Dirty Jokes !

Six Laughs to Share with your friends !!


Number 1: 

A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's nipples while she was asleep. The next day their driver died of poisoning. ****
💉

Number 2: 

A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His son asked his Dad why. He answered, "so that when I am dead, no one will sleep with your mum." ****
👙

Number 3:  

A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband. Maid said "sir. you are my witness you know I never wear panties!"
****
🔩

Number 4: 

Couple is having a quickie and their 6 year old catches them. "What are you doing?" Asks the son. 

Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." 

Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is consuming too  much petrol, cause Uncle Pedro, just filled her tank yesterday evening!" Mother fainted!!!!
****
💵🍺

Number 5: 

A man went to the pub with his wife. 
When he left for the counter to buy drinks a prostitute approached his wife & whispered, "You must DEMAND cash before sex, I know him he doesn't pay. ****
🍼🎱

Number 6: 

An 8 year old boy is accused of rape. In court his lady lawyer holds his dick out as evidence saying, "Your Honour see this, can he rape with this tiny tot?

"The boy whispers, "Don't shake it, we'll lose the case!" ****
📭

Now that you've smiled, don't be stingy with the smiles, share them With 6 friends for 6 Laugh

Marriage and Marijuana

In Canada, the government, in its eternal wisdom, recently passed two laws.

They are:

1. Legalized gay marriage

2. Legalized marijuana

Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana at the same time now makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.” Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

Kid in the Barbers shop !

A young boy enters a barber shop...

and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

Doctors Day Out Hunting !

Five doctors went on a duck hunt. A GP, a Physician, a Radiologist, a Surgeon and a Pathologist.

After a while, a bird came winging overhead. 

The GP raised his shotgun, but, didn't shoot and said "I think it's a duck, but, needs a second opinion.. So I will let the physician shoot.. "

The Physician also raised his gun and said.. " It's a duck... but, the other possibilities should be considered such as a hypertrophied sparrow or an atrophied Ostrich.. "

Radiologist quickly scanned the situation and mumbled.."It can be a duck, a sparrow or and Ostrich or even a hen.. however, please correlate clinically.."

The surgeon was the only one who shot.. Boom.. !! 

He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said "Go and confirm whether its a duck"

The Pathologist slowly and carefully approached the bird and said...

"Specimen Inadequate..."

Family Matters Solved !

Technical Difference
1.between Welding and Wedding ..
In Welding there are Sparks first and Bonding Forever, whereas...
in Wedding there is Bonding first and Sparks Forever ...

2. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
You can be sure of one thing;
Either the car is new or the wife.

3. What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.

4. Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack our driver ran away...

5. A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that is confidential !!!

Doctors are Jokers !

Following are some of the actual sentences found in doctors notes. Enjoy !

Halloween Jokes !

Q: What do ghosts eat for supper?
A: Spooketi
Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
A: Hope it’s Halloween!!
Q: What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?
A: Spelling.
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
A: His heart wasn’t in it.

 Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn’t have any guts!
Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A: To get to the body shop.
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball?
A: Because he had no BODY to go with.
Q: What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?
A: “Trike or Treat”?
Q: What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A: A plumpkin.
Q: What room does a ghost not need?
A: A living room!
Q: Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
A: Because you can see right through them!
Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?
A: His “ghoul” friend!
Q: Why is Superman’s costume so tight?
A: Because he wears a size “S”.

Q: What do you get if you cross a cow and a monster?
A: An “udder” disaster!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
Q: What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?
A: A sandwich!
Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A nectarine!
“Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf.”
“Please be quiet and comb your face.”
Q: What kind of dessert does a ghost like?
A: I scream!
Q: When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
A: When you’re a mouse.
Q: What do birds say on Halloween?
A: Twick o tweet
Q: What do you get when you cross a Cocker Spaniel,
a Poodle and a ghost?
A: A cocker poodle boo.
Q: What do moms dress up as on Halloween?
A: Mummies!
Q: What is a ghost’s favorite fruit?
A: Booberries!
Q: What does a skeleton say before dinner?
A: Bone appetit!
Q: What does a witch use to keep her hair up?
A: Scarespray!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: What kind of pants do ghosts wear?
A: Boo-Jeans.
Q: Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?
A: Because they have a lot of spirit.
Q: What did one owl say to the other owl?
A: Happy Owl-ween!
Q: Why is a skeleton so mean?
A: He doesn’t have a heart.
Q: What goes around a haunted house and never stops?
A: A fence.
Q: What did the ghost say to the other ghost?
A: Do you believe in humans?
Q: What do vampires take when they are sick?
A: Coffin drops!
Q: What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?
A: Count Quackula!
Q: What is a ghost’s favorite pie?
A: Booberry pie!
Q: Where do ghosts buy their food?
A: At the ghost-ery store!

Local FM Radio Show Contest

A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned up. 

The RJ said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."
 
"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a maths question."

"Well, I've got a Masters in maths and am damn good at it," I proudly replied.

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a "Justin Beiber's" concert and to meet him back stage. What is
2+2?"

 I replied, "-2.705" (Thought I was being Smart)

I heard someone say in the Background - "With that Answer, he deserves to be at a Beiber concert" :( 

What Indian Advertisements Teach Us !

1. Kareena has dandruff problem, Katrina has dry hair problem, Shilpa has hairfall problem and Priyanka has chip-chip.

2. If you've a hot wife, make sure your neighbor doesn't use a deodorant in your absence.

3. Your complexion is more important than your qualifications.

4. If there is no salt in your kitchen you can use Toothpaste.

5. Every second oral care brand is No. 1 and recommended by every dentist in India!!!

6. If your daughter is not Ready to Get married, take her to a jewelry/textile shop.

7. Only reason why men use deodorant is to get girls.

8. Most colas cure all kinds of phobias. You will be close to a superman, if you drink these regularly!!

9. All superstars are so poor that they prefer to risk life for a cool drink than to purchase it for Rs:10

10. The special effects in shampoo ads are greater than special effects in Avatar.

11. Fruit content in shampoo and soap is more than fruit content in 99% of juices.

12. Amul has better satirical cartoonists than people who make better milk products.

13. Most people buy vehicles to travel in bad roads but complain about roads in India.

14. You can't eat Dairy Milk Silk without spreading it all over you face.

15. Nobody uses motorbikes for commuting, its only to pick up girls.

16. All soaps kill 99.9% of germs.

17. People believe that Bacardi makes music CD's and Directors special/Kingfisher make mineral water.

18. The only time mothers and daughters talk to each other, it's usually about hair oil.

19. No matter what kind of expert one is, he'll always wear a white laboratory coat.

And, finally this

20.Mutualfundinvestmentsaresubjecttomarketriskspleasereadtheofferdocumentcarefullybeforeinvesting.

More English Jokes !

You think English is easy?? And some thought that Women were confused !

I think a retired English teacher was bored. THIS IS GREAT!

Read all the way to the end.................
This took a lot of work to put together!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to  refuse more refuse.

4) We must  polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could  lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to  desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present thepresent.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the  dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not  object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too  close to the door to close it.

14) The buck  does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a  sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his  sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the  tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I  intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one mouse, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is itUP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and thinkUP excuses..
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UPto about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used..
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UPwith a hundred or more
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP,
so........it is time to shut UP!