When I got drunk before I drove !!

DRINK DRIVING WARNING !

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Last night I was out for a few drinks with the boys in town. One thing lead to another and I had way too many beers topped off with a couple of Jaegerbombs. Not a good idea!!

Knowing I was way over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before...I left my car in town and took a bus home. 

Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalizer tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived back at home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise..

I've never driven a bus before and I'm fucked if I know where I got it from or what I'm gonna do with it !

Life's Kamasutra !

1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!
2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs and lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, pussy... That's origin of "BP"!

3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.

4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

5. What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!

6. 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!

7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.

8. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..!

9. When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".

*Moral: Hard work is never appreciated: Only result matters.

Akbar, Birbal and the Idiots

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Akbar asked Birbal to look for five biggest idiots in his state and produce them in his court within a month.

After a month's extensive search operations, Birbal brought to the court only two persons.
"But I asked for five", Akbar angrily asked. "Give me a chance to present them one by one", Birbal pleaded and went on to present his idiots:

"Maharaj, this man, while travelling in a bullock cart, was keeping his luggage on his head so as not to hurt the bullocks. He is the first idiot.Pointing to the second man Birbal continued, "And this man here is the second idiot. Some grass grew on the roof of his thatched house and he was trying to force his cow climb up a ladder to graze on them."

Birbal continued, "Maharaj, there were a lot of important jobs for me to do in the state, but I ignored them and wasted a precious month in searching for idiots. According to me I am the third idiot."

Birbal paused here for a moment.

"Who are the fourth and fifth idiots?", Akbar thundered.

"Beg your pardon, Maharaj", Birbal continued, "You are the king and are responsible for the well being of the entire state and its people. You need wise persons to help you oversee the state affairs. Instead of looking for wise people you engaged me to look for idiots. According to me you are the fourth idiot.

And, Maharaj, the person who is glued to this blog site, keeping aside all his high priority assignments, oblivious of pressing needs of his family,  just to learn who is the fifth idiot, is the fifth idiot himself. You will not find a better idiot to beat this  one. What do you say, Maharaj?", Birbal concluded.

Akbar said, "Post it immediately in all groups, Social media and where ever possible. Lots of idiots are eagerly waiting".

Michelle Obama for President in 2020

OK - This is not a joke guys....

If we really want a female president for the United States of America, here is your chance...

Let's start the campaign now...

Use hashtag  - #MichelleObama2020

Pakistani Johnny in USA School

A Pakistani Boy took admission in an American school

Teacher : What's your name ?
Boy : Nadir Teacher
Teacher : No, new you are in America, your name is Johnny from today.

Boy went home and started a general conversation with his mother on how things turned out that day and then the name change topic pops up... 

Mother : How was the day Nadir ?
Boy :  I am American now, So please call me Johnny.

The dad over heard the conversation and the argument that followed ended up with the boy getting beaten by both the parents.

The next day he was back at school all bruised...

Teacher : what happened Johnny ??
Boy : Madam, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani Terrorists. 

Corvette Convertible Fast or Not ?

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An Old man decided to buy a Corvette convertible. His memory of good younger days.

As he drove down the highway, he floored it to 80 and smiled. He was cherishing the moment with flashes of his yesteryear's running through his mind, 

Suddenly, he sees a trooper chasing him. He puts his foot down more and starts driving faster before he realized that it wasn't right and stopped.

The trooper came up to the window, looked at his watch and says, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I haven't heard before, I won't give you a ticket".

The man paused for a while..... looked around, and with a release of sigh said... "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. When I saw you coming up behind me I thought that it was you and that you were bringing her back.. ".

"Have a Good day Sir" is all the trooper said... 

With or Without Money !!

Man O Man!
When without money, eats vegetables at home;
When has money, eats the same vegetables in a fine restaurant.
.
When without money, rides bicycle;
When has money rides the same ‘exercise machine’.
.
When without money walks to earn food
When has money, walks to burn fat;

Man O Man! Never fails to deceive thyself!
.
When without money, wishes to get married;
When has money, wishes to get divorced.
.
When without money, wife becomes secretary;
When has money, secretary becomes wife.
.
When without money, acts like a rich man;
When has money acts like a poor man.

Man O Man! Never can tell the simple truth!
.
Says share market is bad, but keeps speculating;
Says money is evil, but keeps accumulating.
.
Says high Positions are lonely, but keeps wanting them.
.
Says gambling & drinking is bad, but keeps indulging.

Man O Man! Never means what he says and never says what he means.....

Donald Trump Jr. Steels Speech too......

Share with your friends, my friends... !!

Forget Melania Trump steeling her speech from Mrs. Michelle Obama !!!

Here is proof....

And, now his son steels a speech too... Shamelessly speaks at the republican party convention.. 

Here is proof.....

Military Coup in Turkey or what ?

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(I answer the phone in a Turkish Store. While working the register during holiday rush.)

Customer: “Hey, I made a several hundred dollar purchase a few days ago during the big sale. And I got a 20% off everything coupon today. Can I bring the coupon in and get 20% off my original purchase?”

(Is this a test? A recorded call from one of my superiors, because this cannot be serious.)

Me: “I’m sorry. That coupon is intended for your next purchase, not one that was already completed!”

Customer: “But I spent so much money! Can’t I just return everything and then re-buy everything with the coupon?”

Me: “I’m sorry. That is incredibly unlikely and will not work. That coupon is intended for the next purchase.”

Customer: “But I spent so much money… You sure?”

Me: “I’m pretty gosh darn positive. Have a nice day, though!”

(The lines were already backed up and I could not imagine if she honestly tried to bring everything back in and argued for the coupon discount!

Kid in the Barbers shop !

A young boy enters a barber shop...

and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

Bob - not the builder !

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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. 

At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” 

They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”

Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”

The Best or the Worst Surgeon

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Three Toronto Surgeons were playing Golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said "I'm the best surgeon in Ontario. In my Favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident. I reattached them. Eight months later, he performed a private concert for the Queen of England"

The Second surgeon got upset after hearing what the first guy had to say. He obviously wanted to outshine the first. The Second surgeon quickly responds, "That's nothing...... Few years back, a young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident.I reattached them and two years later, he won a gold medal in a track and field event in the Olympics"

The third was quietly listening to the two guys converse.The other two looked at him and goes "Hey mate, Do you have any interesting surgeries you have performed?"

He goes "Yes, and comparatively, You guys are amateurs"

The other two look at him amazed, impatiently awaiting the story.. 

The Third Surgeon goes on "Guys, several years ago, there was a man who was so high on Cocaine and Marijuana, he rode a horse head-on in to a train travelling at 80 miles an hour. 

The two surgeons look amazed as the third continues, "All I was left to work with was the man's blond hair and the Horse's Ass" 

The two surgeons were yet amazed..... The Third concludes "I was able to put the parts together and regretfully, now he runs for president of the U.S.A" ..... 

The Scottish and the English

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An Englishman is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

The Scottish gamekeeper shouts, "Dinnae drink tha waaater min ! Et's foo o' coo's shite n pish."

The Englishman replies, "My good fellow, I'm English.... repeat that in English."

The gamekeeper replies, "I said use both hands - you get more that way."

Golfers and their Balls !

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A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see The sign?  It says, 'Private Property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it.  That's my ball over There.  May I have it, please?"

The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."

The golfer looks at the man and says, "I think I understand"

He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, Then walks back and throws it into the yard as well.
The man says, "What did you do that for?"
The golfer replies...

"I consider myself a Gentleman,and I Believe every prick should have two balls."

The Bank Robbery !

During a robbery, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: “Don’t move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you.” Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called “Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. 

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: “Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!” This is called “Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do! 

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): “Big brother, let’s count how much we got.” The older robber rebutted and said: “You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!” This is called “Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications! 

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: “Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”. This is called “Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: “It will be good if there is a robbery every month.” This is called “Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job. 

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: “We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!” This is called “Knowledge is worth as much as gold!”

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.This is called “Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks! So who are the real robbers here?

Doctors Day Out Hunting !

Five doctors went on a duck hunt. A GP, a Physician, a Radiologist, a Surgeon and a Pathologist.

After a while, a bird came winging overhead. 

The GP raised his shotgun, but, didn't shoot and said "I think it's a duck, but, needs a second opinion.. So I will let the physician shoot.. "

The Physician also raised his gun and said.. " It's a duck... but, the other possibilities should be considered such as a hypertrophied sparrow or an atrophied Ostrich.. "

Radiologist quickly scanned the situation and mumbled.."It can be a duck, a sparrow or and Ostrich or even a hen.. however, please correlate clinically.."

The surgeon was the only one who shot.. Boom.. !! 

He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said "Go and confirm whether its a duck"

The Pathologist slowly and carefully approached the bird and said...

"Specimen Inadequate..."