Rapta Ra Rugpy songs Hello Mr. Murphy and more

 

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Hello Mr. Murphy – God Bless your Heart and Soul

I came to F*ck your Daughter, but I couldn’t find her Hole

 

King Kong went to Hong Kong

To Play a Game of Ping Pong

The Ping Pong Knocked his Ding Dong

And that was the end of King Kong

 

There was this Girl from Kent

To a Football match she went

She went to the Goal

And Opened her Hole

And In the football went

 

There once was a woman named Jill

Who swallowed an exploding pill

They found her vagina

In North Carolina

And tits in a tree in Brazil

 

There once was a man Robin Hood

Who lived in a Knottingham wood

He learned how to f*ck

from old Friar Tuck

And f*cked Marion whenever he could

 

There was a man from Madrass

Whose balls were made out of brass

On a Stormy Weather

They Banged together

And sparks flew out of his a$$

 

There once was a man from Havana

Who screwed a girl on a piano

At the height of their fever

Her a$$ hit the lever

And now he has no banana...

 

There was a young maiden named Molly

Who had a Daughter Named Polly

The Guy was Sing Chum

And too soon he did cum

And all he could say was "I'm solly!"

 

There was a man from Kent

Who had a penis so long it bent

It was so much trouble

That he kept it double

And instead of coming he went

 

Naming Twins

A woman had twin babies and fell into a coma immediately after due to complecations.

A couple of weeks later she finally wakes up and asks the doctor, “Where is my baby?!”

The doctor replies, “They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl.

Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother named them.”

The woman looked concerned, as her brother wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.  “Oh no.  What did he name them?”

“He named the girl Denise,” The doctor replies.

The woman, relieved, “Well, that’s not so bad.  What about the boy?”
“Denephew.”

Swimming Tips for young Ladies

A young lady was swimming at a swimming pool and was having a great time burning calories and keeping fit.

To her horror, she found that her swimsuit had torn open at the bottom leaving her lady bits exposed.

Using her hands to cover up her modesty, she stealthily exited the pool by the side and grabbed a nearby sign to cover up.

This somehow got her more attention, and she looked down at the sign.

*"Depth 1.8metres"*

Slightly embarrassed, she got rid of that sign and quickly grabbed another.

More stares came her way...the sign read:

*"Men's entrance"*

She could feel her face getting redder by the moment, threw away the sign and grabbed the last one she could grab.

Practically everyone was looking at her now, if not for the spectacle she was causing, but also for what was now on that sign.

*"Repairs ongoing, please enter by the back”*😆😆😆😆

What to say at the Pearly Gates

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered.

“On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen.” 

“So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.”

I yelled, “Now, back off or I’ll kick the shit out of all of you!”

Saint Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“A couple of minutes ago.”

how a Stimulus package works

It is a slow day in the small Saskatchewan town of Pumphandle, and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves. No one produced anything. No one earned anything...

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a Stimulus package works.

A town in Debt needs support

It is a slow day in the small Saskatchewan town of Pumphandle, and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves. No one produced anything. No one earned anything...

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a Stimulus package works.

Do you know who you are ?

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. 

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

Funny signs

Signboard outside Heaven:

"Lying naked with somebody in bed and screaming Oh God...Oh God.... will not be considered as prayers"

Signboard outside a Prayer Hall:

" Please Do Not Leave Your Bags, Wallets, Cell Phones Unattended.. Others Might Think Those Are The Answers To Their Prayers."

Signboard outside a prostitute's house..

" Married MEN are not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy.."

Signboard outside A Bar:

" Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance "

Signboard outside Driving School:

" If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way....."

Signboard outside Library:

"Statutory Warning... While reading Kamasutra, please hold the book with BOTH Hands.."

The Rich Friend

I went to see a friend from a very rich family. The maid approached me and asked.

MAID:      What would u like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?
ME:       Tea pls.
MAID:    Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea?
ME:     Ceylon Tea pls.
MAID:      How do U want it, black or white?
ME:    White....
MAID:     Milk or fresh cream?
ME:     With milk.
MAID:   Goat milk or cow milk?
ME:     Cow’s milk.
MAID: Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?
ME:    Uhm, lemme go with d freezeland cow.
MAID:     Would U like it with sweetner, sugar or honey?
ME:      Sugar.
MAID:     Bee sugar or cane sugar?
ME:     Cane sugar
MAID:    White, brown or yellow sugar?
ME:     Aiyo! forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water...
MAID:  Mineral, tap or distilled water?
ME:     Mineral water.
MAID:  Flavored or non flavored?
ME:     Infact, get me an empty glass!
MAID:     Do you want a tumbler, wine glass, champagne flute or a beer mug?
ME:   Free me, I will  swallow my spit..."

The Thai Massage

Sam, who during a vacation to Thailand, ordered a massage session in his room. One for his wife and one for himself.

After massaging Sam for a while, the Thai girl said, "Massage penis".

Sam felt awkward, but kept quiet, looking shiftily at his wife.

The Thai masseuse again said, "Massage penis."

There was silence, yet again ...

Finally, his wife spoke... 

"Don't raise your hopes, ... She's telling you "Massage finish!"

Missing Wife

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Color of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Jeep.

Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.

The tigers Wedding

A tiger was getting married and all animals attended the wedding. Every animal stood
 at a distance and wished the tiger.

A cat came and climbed to the stage and danced, then extended his hand to wish the tiger.
The tiger roared in rage and said "how dare you come on the stage? Even the panther is maintaining its distance and yet you climbed the stage."

The cat replied and after listening to what the cat said, the tiger fainted. What do you think the cat said to the tiger?
Any guess?

a

The cat said, "I was also a tiger before I got married".

My Darling Wife

A bus full of housewives  going on a picnic, fell into a river, all died .
Each husband cried for a week.
one husband continued for more than two weeks !!!
When asked that did he miss his wife so much ?
he replied miserably : No
My wife missed the bus !!!

***********

In heaven God told all husbands & wives to gather for a meeting !
He told the men to stand in two queues...
Those who are controlled by their wives & those who control their wives!

Only 1 man stood in the second Queue...

God said "So you control ur wife?"

Man: "R u CRAZY ???
My wife told me to stand here"...

***********

A Junior in office dialed his boss's extension by mistake & said: "Hey, send a coffee in my cabin in 2 min"
Boss Shouted: Do u know whom u r talking 2? 
Jr : No!
Boss: I'm the BOSS 
Jr (in same tone): do u know whom u r talking to?
Boss: No!
Jr : THANK GOD (& disconnected) 

*************

KEEP LAUGHING AND SHARE THIS POST AMONG YOUR FRIENDS !!

A Chinese man married an African woman and had a child. Two months later the child passed away.
At the funeral house, the African woman kept sobbing and saying: "I KNEW IT !!! I KNEW IT !!!"
A family member pulled her aside and asked: "What did you know?" 

She replied: "That, Chinese products don't last long!!"

Why I stopped drinking Whiskey

Whiskey contains female hormones!

Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Montreal University scientists revealed this.

Men should take a concerned look at their Whiskey consumption.

The theory is that Whiskey contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough Whiskey men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 cups of Whiskey each within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally,
and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

Long Lasting Erection

I went to a chemist store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman I spoke to said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She asked if she could help me.

I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

    * 1/3rd ownership in the store
    * a company car
    * A furnished house
    * a king size bed and
    * £7500/- a month in living expenses."

Coincidence it is ...

Man In Bar Orders Tiger Beer.

Lady Next To Him - What a coincidence, I am having Tiger Beer too. 🍺

Man - I'm celebrating.

Lady - Me too.

Man - What a coincidence ! Why are you celebrating ?

Lady - My husband & I have tried 4 years for a baby. Today I'm pregnant!

Man - What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn't lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs!

Lady - Wow! How did that happen?

Man - I used a different cock 🐓

Lady smiled and said

WHAT A COINCIDENCE !!!

Geographically Punnier

Timmy : I'm Hungary.
Mum : Why don't you Czech the fridge?
Timmy : Okay, I'm Russian to the kitchen. 
Mum : Hmm ... maybe you'll find some Turkey. 
Timmy : Yeah, but its all covered in Greece. Yucks! 
Mum : There is Norway you can eat that.
Timmy : I know, I guess I'll just have a can of Chile.
Mum : Denmark your name on the can. 
Timmy : Kenya do it for me? 
Mum : Okay, I'm Ghana do it. 
Timmy : Thanks, I'm so tired - Iran for an hour today.
Mum : It Tokyo long enough. 
Timmy : Yeah, Israelly hard sometimes!

African at a Restaurant

An American man walked into a restaurant in London...

As soon as he entered, he noticed an African man sitting in the corner...


So he walked over to the counter, removed his wallet and shouted,

"Waiter! I am buying food for everyone in this restaurant, except that black African guy over there!"

So the waiter collected the money from the man and began serving free food to everyone in the
restaurant, except the African...


However, instead of becoming upset, the African simply looked up at the American and shouted, "Thank you!"

That infuriated the man !!

So once again, the American took out his wallet and shouted, "Waiter! This time I am buying bottles of wine and additional food for everyone in this bar, except for that African sitting in the corner over there!" 

So the waiter collected the money from the man and began serving free food and wine to everyone in the bar except the African.

When the waiter finished serving the food and drinks, once again, instead of becoming angry, the African simply smiled at the American man and shouted, "Thank you!"

That made the American man furious. So he leaned over on the counter and said to the waiter, "What is wrong with that African man? I have bought food and drinks for everyone in this bar except him, but instead of becoming angry, he just sits there and smiles at me and shouts 'Thank you.' Is he
mad???"

The waiter smiled at the American and said, "No, he is not mad. He is the owner of this restaurant...

Cheating wife

Some days ago, I came to know a  girl on the Internet. Beautiful...

After some chat, I felt that we had connected at a deeper level.

Yesterday, she asked me to visit her house and said, "My husband is on a business trip, and I'm alone at home."

I was very cautious and asked, "Will your husband suddenly come back?

She said, "No, but just in case he does, you just say that you are from UrbanClap and that your company sent you to clean the house. And then, clean the glass or something. 

Anyway, Christmas is around the corner.
My husband won't suspect a thing."

Fast forward, I was at her house. And what a big coincidence - Not even minutes in the house, her husband came back! 

I had to be quiet and pretend to do the cleaning, wiping windows, cleaning the kitchen and the floor. And also tidy the bedrooms and wash the bathrooms. All the while, her husband and she was next to me giving all kinds of ridiculous instructions.

When I had finished and was about to leave, her husband asked, 'How much?"

Even before I could utter a word, she said, "I have already paid the company." 

On the way home, I kept thinking about the whole saga. 
The more I thought about it, 
the more I felt DAMN cheated ....

Cleaners are hard to find, beware of the new scam...........

Naughty Norbert

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Little Norbert was kicked out of Maths class by his teacher. Apparently, "mouthwash" wasn't the right answer for the question "what comes after 69?"

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In a job interview with an international NGO fighting for equal rights . Norbert was asked how he views Lesbian relationships ? He was kicked out. Apparently *"In Full HD"*wasn't the right answer 

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Teacher:- Complete the sentence. "If my cup is only half full.. Little Norbert :- "Maybe you need a smaller Bra !! Teacher:- GET OUT!!! 

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During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class, "Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys? Little Norbert raised his hand and replied, "That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down." The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?" Little Norbert countered by saying, "That's because girls get boobs, and they are heavier than the guys' balls." 
Seems logical to me also. I don't know why he was thrown out the class again ........ !!  

Poor Norbert!